EORGE  ADE 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


GIFT  OF 

Mary  Randall 


THE     GIRL    PROPOSITION 


THE   GIRL 
PROPOSITION 

A  Bunch  of  He  and  She 
Fables 


GEORGE  ,ADE 


NEW   YORK 

R .     H  .     R  US  S  K  L  L 

1902 


A  HE  illustrations,  in  imitation  of  the  old- 
style  wood-cuts,  are  by  John  T.  McCutcheon, 
Frank  Holme,  Carl  Werntz,  and  Clyde  J. 
Newman. 

flic  three  Fables  concluding  this  volume  are 
reprinted  by  permission  of  H.  S.  Stone  $  Co., 
publishers  of  "Fables  in  Slang"  and  "More 
Fables." 


t  n 


o, 


GIF1 


Copyright,  1902,  ty 
Robert  Howard  Russell 


PS 

1006 


Preface 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION  involves 
so  many  kinds  of  Human  Endeavor 
that  it  has  been  found  inadvisable  to 
treat  the  Subject  exhaustively  in  a  mere  Pocket 
Guide.  The  Purpose  of  this  Volume  shall  have 
been  accomplished  if  Students  are  aroused  to  a 
keener  Interest  in  the  sprightly  Topic  and  feel 
encouraged  to  undertake  Original  Research, 
verifying  by  Experiment  the  Conclusions  here 
with  set  down.  It  has  been  suggested  to  the 
Author  that  there  is  no  piercing  demand  for  a 
Work  of  this  character,  inasmuch  as  several 
millions  of  Investigators  are  already  devoting 
the  greater  portion  of  their  Time  to  a  sincere 
consideration  of  the  Girl  Proposition,  and  the 
number  of  Experts  is  increasing  hourly.  In 
reply  it  may  be  urged  that  a  Treatise  of  this 
Description  cannot  possibly  discourage  their 
Efforts  and  it  may  help  a  lot. 

THE    AUTHOR. 


M880397 


Contents 

<*>§«* 

Page 

The  Fable  of  the  Long-Range  Lover, 
the  Lollypaloozer  and  the  Line  of 
Talk  1 

The  Fable  of  the  Crafty  Love-Maker 
who  Needed  a  Lady  Manager  11 

The  Fable  of  how  Aggie  had  Spells  that 
the  Home  Remedies  could  not  Touch  15 

The  Fable  of  the  Parlor  Blacksmith  who 
was  Unable  to  put  it  Right  Over  the 
Plate  25 

The  Fable  of  the  Veteran  Club-Girl 
who  had  no  Theories  to  Offer  85 

The  Fable  of  the  Syndicate  Lover,  the 
Pickled  Papa  and  the  Rest  of  the 
Bunch  45 


The  Fable  of  the  Misfit  who  Lost  His 
Ticket  Because  He  got  the  Wrong 
Hold  54 

[ix] 


D 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Fable  of  the  Balky  Boy  who  Kept 
Her  Marking  Time  65 

The  Fable  of  how  Wisenstcin  did  not 
Lose  out  to  Buttinsky  69 

The  Fable  of  the  Fatal  Album  and  the 
Leap  for  Life  78 

The  Fable  of  the  Young  Woman  who 
had  to  have  Everything  Just  So  81 

The  Fable  of  What  Befell  the  Design 
ing  Chauncey  wrho  Walked  Right  Up 
and  Spoke  to  Her  85 

The  Fable  of  the  He-Flirt  who  was  very 
Jimpsy  in  the  Hotel  Office  but  a 
Phoney  Piece  of  Work  when  Turned 
Loose  in  a  Flat  94 

The  Fable  of  how  Economical  Edward 
got  His  Quietus  104 

The  Fable  of  the  Marriod  Girl  who  Ran 
The  Eating  Station  for  Luminaries  108 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Fable  of  the  Girl  who  had  Her  Rea 
soning  Powers  with  Her  117 

The  Fable  of  the  Fellow  who  had  a 
Friend  who  Knew  a  Girl  who  had  a 
Friend  121 

The  Fable  of  the  Roundabout  Way  in 
which  Gilbert  Made  Himself  Strong 
with  Alice  130 

The  Fable  of  Eugene  who  Walked  the 
Length  of  the  Counter  Before  Mak 
ing  His  Selection  134 

The  Fable  of  the  Reckless  Wife  who  had 
no  One  to  Watch  Her  144 

The  Fable  of  the  Cut-up  who  Came  very 
Near  Losing  His  Ticket,  but  who 
Turned  Defeat  into  Victory  147 

The  Fable  of  the  Shower  of  Blows  that 
Came  Down  on  Paw  156 

The  Fable  of  how  one  Brave  Patsy 
Worked  Himself  into  the  King-Row  159 


CONTENTS 

The  Fable  of  Lutie,  the  False  Alarm,  and 
How  She  Finished  About  the  Time 
that  She  Started 

The  Fable  of  the  Two  Mandolin  Players 
and  the  Willing  Performer  173 

The  Fable  of  the  Brash  Drummer  and 
the  Peach  who  Learned  that  there 
were  Others 


[xii] 


The  Fable  of  the  Long-Range  Lover, 

the  Lollypaloozer  and  the 

Line  of  Talk 


ONE  evening  while  at  a  Dramatic  En 
tertainment  consisting  of  22  Coon 
Songs,  a  Rising  Young  Lawyer 
looked  across  the  Parquette  and  nearly  blinded 
himself.  He  thought  he  had  seen  some  24- 
carat  Tizums  when  he  had  attended  College 
and  hung  around  the  Fern  Sem,  but  the  Girl 
that  he  now  beheld  was  in  a  class  by  herself. 
She  made  Cleopatra  look  like  Martha  the  Sew 
ing  Girl.  And  Venus  arising  from  the  Sea 
was  a  squizzly  old  Soap  Advertisement  in  three 
elementary  Colors. 

The  fair  Unknown  had  a  pair  of  Incandes 
cent  Headlights,  a  Complexion  like  the  Sunset 
Blush  on  a  Snow-Bank,  and  enough  Hair  ris 
ing  above  her  to  fit  out  two  Girls  of  her  size. 
She  was  somewhat  attired  in  a  Whipped- 
Cream  delicatessen  Delirium  with  mauve-col 
ored  Galluses.  When  she  fanned  herself  it 


The  Drama. 


THE  LONG-RANGE  LOVER 

could  be  seen  that  she  had  put  some  Jeweller 
out  of  the  Business. 

It  is  very  seldom  that  one  sees  anything  of 
that  kind  except  in  the  back  part  of  a  Maga 
zine. 

Of  course,  she  did  not  know  that  the  Opera 
Glasses  were  being  pointed  at  her,  even  by 
those  who  sat  two  Rows  in  front.  If  she  had 
known  that,  it  would  have  annoyed  her  a  lot. 
It  always  annoys  a  Young  Woman  who  has 
put  on  $1200  worth  of  Hurrah  Clothes  to 
have  a  lot  of  Strange  Men  do  the  Waldorf- 
Astoria  Inspection.  The  only  thing  that  an 
noys  her  more  than  that  is  to  have  these  same 
Goodyear  Specialists  overlook  her  entirely. 

When  some  47  would-be  Lady-Stealers  are 
giving  a  Circus  Maiden  the  Grand-Stand  Eye, 
she  has  to  be  in  fine  Condition  if  she  can  sit 
through  it  and  not  let  on.  The  Unknown  was 
still  a  Bud,  and  yet  she  was  thoroughly  up  in 
the  Part.  She  wras  unconscious  of  her  own 
Hit,  and  she  was  determined  to  keep  on  being 
unconscious. 

Among  the  other  Things  she  wore  that 
[3] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Evening  was  a  featherweight  Escort  who  had 
Percy  written  all  over  him.  The  Men  were 
wondering  why  any  Peacherette  with  a  Ken 
tucky  Shape,  who  could  take  her  pick  of  all 
Mankind,  should  want  to  carry  such  a  sad 
Specimen  of  Incubus.  He  was  one  of  these 
90-pound  Wrap-Holders  who  showed  his 
Teeth  when  he  was  pleased.  He  belonged  out 
at  Mother's  Place,  in  the  Country,  feeding  the 
White  Rabbits.  Every  Man  who  saw  him 
snuggling  up  to  the  Unknown  hoped  that  he 
would  fall  down  and  break  his  Leg. 

The  Rising  Young  Attorney  caromed  on 
both  sides  of  the  Aisle  when  he  went  out,  for 
he  was  still  looking  at  the  Dream.  He  hid 
behind  a  Bill-Board  and  saw  her  come  out  with 
the  Human  Weasel. 

On  his  way  to  the  Boarding  House  he 
walked  two  Blocks  past  the  Place.  The  Un 
known  had  him  trancified.  He  imagined  him 
self  riding  with  her  in  a  Golden  Automobile 
through  a  Grove  of  Violets.  There  was  a 
Music  Box  Attachment  under  the  Seat  and  she 
was  fighting  to  hold  his  Hand.  He  came  to 
[4] 


The  Lolly  paloozer. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

just  in  time  to  save  himself  from  walking  into 
the  River. 

This  Attorney  was  an  emotional  Young 
Fellow.  He  had  a  high  John  C.  Calhoun 
Forehead  and  the  yearning  Look  of  a  Genius 
who  would  like  to  trade  a  College  Education 
for  something  to  eat.  From  the  Moment 
when  the  Goddess  flashed  across  his  Pathway, 
he  was  Stung  in  eight  different  Places.  All 
during  Business  Hours  he  looked  off  into 
Space  without  seeing  anything  in  Particular 
and  he  was  thinking  of  Her. 

One  Day  he  saw  her  on  the  Other  side  of  ,the 
Street.  It  made  him  google-eyed  and  he 
walked  off  the  Curb.  Another  time  she 
zipped  past  him  on  a  Trolley.  Every  time  he 
spotted  her,  she  looked  at  least  40  per  cent, 
better  than  the  time  before. 

"  I'm  for  her/'  he  told  himself. 

Once  he  saw  her  coming  out  of  a  Department 
Store  and  she  made  the  others  look  like  the  Odds 
and  Ends  of  a  Rummage  Sale.  He  heard  her 
Rippling  Laugh  and  noted  the  Gibson  Shirt- 
Waist,and  then  he  was  worse  off  than  ever.  A 
[6] 


Thinking  of  Her. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Friend  who  was  with  him  said  that  her  name 
was  Clarice.  So  he  told  his  Friend :  "  Any 
time  that  you  read  about  Clarice  being  en 
gaged,  start  in  to  drag  the  River." 

When  he  heard  that  she  had  gone  to  a  Sum 
mer  Hotel,  he  trailed  her  and  continued  his 
long-distance  Worship.  He  was  afraid  to 
get  too  near  for  fear  that  he  would  curl  up 
and  have  a  Spasm. 

Who  was  he,  a  Legal  Worm,  that  he  should 
dare  to  crave  a  Word  from  those  Rosebud  Lips 
or  hope  for  a  melting  Glance  from  those  star 
lit  Lamps?  As  for  executing  a  Clutch  and 
swinging  into  the  Slow  and  Dreamy,  that 
seemed  only  a  vague  and  far-away  Hope  of 
Paradise,  and  it  was  a  Sin  to  waste  time  on  it. 

The  best  he  could  ask  for  was  to  send  her  a 
Box  of  long-stemmed  Roses  and  then  go  and 
let  a  Train  run  over  him  and  maybe  she  would 
condescend  to  attend  the  Funeral.  That,  or 
else  he  could  save  her  life  in  a  Runaway  and 
die  with  his  Head  in  her  Lap.  All  he  wanted 
was  a  Romantic  Finish  that  would  leave  a 
sad,  sweet  Memory  behind.  He  wanted  a 
[8] 


THE  LONG-RANGE  LOVER 

Guarantee  that  she  would  think  of  him  a 
couple  of  times  and  he  would  be  satisfied  to 
play  Village  Dog  and  die  any  kind  of  a  Death. 

While  in  this  desperate  Frame  of  Mind,  he 
met  Mr.  Buzzer,  the  moving  Graphophone  and 
He- Vampire.  When  the  unspeakable  Buzzer 
said  that  he  knew  Clarice  and  stood  right  with 
hef,  the  soulful  Attorney  wanted  to  throttle 
him,  for  he  could  not  believe  that  a  real  Diana 
would  trifle  with  a  blue  Cat-Fish. 

However,  he  accepted  the  Opportunity  to 
hold  Converse  with  the  Star  of  his  Soul. 
Buzzer  led  him  around  the  long  Veranda  and 
at  last  he  stood  in  that  radiant  Presence. 

"  Sis,  I  want  you  to  know  a  Friend  of  Mine," 
said  the  well-known  Safe  Blower  and  Social 
Outcast  known  as  Buzzer. 

He  stood  enthralled  for  at  least  one-twen 
tieth  of  a  Second.  Then  Clarice  got  under 
way. 

"  Oh  Crickets !  I  seen  you  at  the  The-ayter 

one  Night,"  she  said.     "  I  was  there  with  Ollie 

Pozozzle  of  Minneapolis.     Me  and  him  come 

out  just  behind  you.     Say,  wuzn't  that  a 

[9] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Grand  Show?  I'm  just  crazy  about  that 
'  Mamie,  Mamie,  Aint  it  a  Shamie  ?'  When 
did  you  land  here  ?  Huh  ?  Oh  sure !  This  is 
a  Swell  Joint  all  right,  but  they  stick  you  for 
everything.  Gee!  but  I'm  glad  Mr.  Buzzer 
come  out.  He's  awful  good  Company.  I'm 
goin'  out  ridin'  to-night  with  He  and  a  Friend 
of  his.  Come  along !  I'll  stake  you  to  a  Girl." 

When  they  found  the  Sentimental  Attorney 
in  the  Woods  an  hour  later,  he  was  barking 
like  a  Sea-Lion  and  butting  his  Head  against 
the  Trees. 

MORAL:  Don't  go  round  Cutting  In  and 
then  you  won't  know  any  Different. 


77/6'  Fable  of  the  Crafty  Love-Maker 
who  Needed  a  Lady  Manager 


AT  a   Summer  Resort  two  Boarders 
were  after  a  Blonde. 
One    was     an    all-round     James- 
Dandy  and  the  other  was  a  plain  Varnish. 

Number  One  could  play  18  Holes  in  Bogey 
and  ride  any  Jumper  that  ever  wore  a  Girth. 
He  was  built  like  an  Ox  and  asked  People  to 
feel  of  him,  for  he  wras  as  hard  as  Nails.  If 
any  Argument  came  up  on  the  Veranda  or  at 
the  Dinner  Table  he  made  the  others  look  like 
Gophers,  for  he  was  Posted  and  was  very  handy 
with  the  Sub-Maxillary.  He  wore  his  Chest 
a  few  Inches  in  front  of  himself  and  no  one 
could  tell  him  where  to  get  off.  Inasmuch  as 
he  was  a  big,  husky  Good-Looker  with  all  the 
Manly  Accomplishments,  he  had  a  Panel  Pict 
ure  of  himself  leading  Miss  Blonde  into  a 
Flat. 

Number  Two  belonged  in  the  Sub-Duffer 
Class,  no  matter  what  Game  he  tackled.  When 
he  swung  at  a  Golf  Ball  he  usually  hit  himself 


IHafme, 
tllilllK 


The  Manager. 


THE  CRAFTY  LOVE-MAKER 

im  the  Ankle.  In  sailing  a  Boat  he  did  not 
know  a  Sheet  from  a  Sail.  He  ducked  all 
kinds  of  Athletic  Sports.  In  Company  he  be 
came  balled  up  and  often  had  to  be  Rescued. 
He  was  no  Ring  Performer  and  he  knew  it. 
Therefore,  to  avoid  making  too  many  Breaks 
he  would  go  to  the  Blonde  and  confidentially 
ask  her  to  be  his  True  Friend  and  steer  him 
through  the  Shoals. 

Number  One  would  be  out  on  the  Links, 
hammering  away  to  win  a  $2  Cup, but  Number 
Two  would  remain  under  Cover  and  complain 
of  feeling  a  trifle  Knocked  Out  and  permit  the 
Blonde  to  put  Cold  Cloths  on  his  Head.  Then 
he  would  give  her  a  couple  of  those  long  yearn 
ing  Looks  and  tell  her  that  no  one  else  had 
ever  been  quite  so  Good  to  him. 

Number  One  was  trying  to  demonstrate  that 
he  was  a  Deuce  of  a  Fellow  and  Number  Two 
was  trying  to  convince  her  that  she  was  an 
Ace  of  a  Girl. 

When  both  of  them  had  come  to  Taw,  she 
did  not  hesitate  for  any  great  length  of  Time. 

"  That  poor  Boy  needs  a  bright  and  clever 
[13] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Woman  to  take  care  of  him,"  said  she.  "  He 
has  learned  to  depend  upon  me  and  it  would 
be  Cruel  to  turn  him  Adrift." 

Number  Two  won  by  a  City  Block. 

MORAL:   Star  Her  and  she   will  discover 
vour  Good  Points. 


[14] 


The  Fable   of  how  Aggie  had  Spells 

that  the  Home  Remedies  could 

not  Touch 


A  MAN    and    Wife    had    on    hand    a 
Daughter  named  Aggie.     When  she 
was  17  they  put  her  into  Training 
for  her  coming-out  Party. 

The  Parents  were  much  relieved  to  know 
that  she  had  been  Brought  Up  so  successfully. 
They  thought  that  inasmuch  as  she  had  passed 
through  the  Perils  of  Childhood  and  survived 
the  Mumps,  Measles,  Scarlet  Rash,  Whooping 
Cough,  etc.,  etc.,  she  was  safely  out  of  the 
Woods.  They  had  guided  her  through  the 
Grammar  and  High  Schools  and  sent  her  to  a 
Dancing  Academy  and  the  Music  Teacher 
came  to  the  House  twice  a  week.  Now  that 
Aggie  had  theoretically  arrived  at  the  Age  of 
Discretion  and  the  final  coat  of  Shellac  had 
been  put  on  her  List  of  Accomplishments,  they 
looked  upon  her  as  a  Completed  Job. 

But  as  Time  passed  on,  they  learned  that 
there   are  many  serious   Ailments  that  may 
[15] 


I  <  I 


71! 


7 


71  FUMmel 

1  I  I  111  II  Hi 


Aggie. 


HOW  AGGIE  HAD  SPELLS 

overtake  a  Girl  after  she  flutters  out  of  Short 
Dresses.  About  the  time  that  Aggie  formed 
the  Chocolate-Cream  Habit  and  began  to  wear 
her  Hair  in  the  Anna  Held  Style,  she  caught 
the  Matinee  Fever,  complicated  with  Actoritis 
and  Photomania.  She  would  go  to  the  Thea 
tre  as  often  as  she  could  muster  the  Price,  and 
there  she  would  sit  in  a  pensive  Attitude  and 
gaze  yearningly  at  the  pale  Leading  Man  with 
the  Black  Ringlets.  After  returning  Home 
she  would  mope  around  in  her  blue  Kimona  and 
say  that  she  didn't  care  for  any  Dinner.  Then 
Mother  would  give  her  some  Camomile  Tea 
and  a  hot  Foot-Bath  and  tell  her  that  she  had 
caught  Cold.  When  it  came  to  Diagnosis, 
Mother  was  a  Shine. 

While  she  was  still  subject  to  these  recur 
ring  Attacks  of  Actoritis,  another  Malady  laid 
hold  on  her. 

One  day  when  Father  came  home  he  was  met 
by  Aggie's  Mother,  who  was  pale  and  worried. 

"  Something  terrible  has  happened,"  she 
said.  "  Aggie  has  Art  on  the  Brain." 

It  was  too  true.  She  had  attended  a 
[17] 


'Aggie's  Mother. 


HOW  AGGIE  HAD  SPELLS 

Studio  Tea  in  a  large  Smelly  Place  all  done  in 
passionate  Red  with  pasteboard  Armor  on  the 
Walls.  There  she  had  met  an  Artist.  Any 
one  could  tell  that  he  was  the  real  Latin  Quar 
ter  Article,  for  he  wore  the  corn-silk  Tassels 
and  never  combed  his  Hair,  and  smoked  a  Pipe 
even  when  he  had  Callers.  He  was  made  up  in 
Velveteen  and  a  Fauntleroy  Collar  and  his  Cra 
vat  would  have  done  for  a  Sash.  Aggie  was 
pining  for  Bohemia.  So  she  decided  that  she 
would  marry  the  Genius  who  never  had  been 
Shaved,  and  they  could  live  together  in  the 
Paint-Shop  and  cook  all  their  Meals  over  an 
Oil  Stove.  She  began  to  comb  her  Hair  down 
over  her  Ears  and  moved  her  Waist-Line  up 
until  it  was  stopped  by  her  Arms,  and  she  wore 
long  clinging  Raiment  and  tried  to  be  exactly 
like  the  Slim  Sisters  that  show  up  in  a  Burne- 
Jones  Panel.  All  this  made  Father  very  Ex 
hausted.  Father  was  in  the  Pig-Iron  Busi 
ness  and  he  didn't  think  that  Art  was  such  a 
Much.  He  said  that  a  Man  with  silky  Jo- Jos 
who  painted  Dying  Sunsets  that  no  one  wanted 
to  buy,  was  not  his  pick  for  a  Son-in-Law.  He 
[19] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

wanted  Aggie  to  select  a  Practical  Man — a 
Brewer,  if  possible. 

There  is  no  telling  what  would  have  hap 
pened,  if  a  new  Disease  had  not  attacked  Ag 
gie.  For  one  Day,  as  Father  entered  the 
Drawing-Room  he  heard  a  strange  Thumping 
and  Pounding  overhead,  which  caused  the 
whole  Building  to  Vibrate. 

c:  Somebody  is  tearing  out  the  Second 
Story,'"  he  said,  in  Alarm. 

"  No,"  replied  his  Faithful  Wife,  "  but  the 
Worst  has  come.  Daughter  is  having  an  At 
tack  of  Physical  Culture." 

They  went  up  and  looked  through  the  Key- 
Hole.  Aggie  had  on  a  scanty  Suit  of  Blue 
Flannel  and  she  was  trying  to  beat  the  Soul 
out  of  a  Punching-Bag. 

"  Is  there  anything  we  can  do?"  asked  her 
distracted  Pop. 

"  Nothing,"  was  the  Reply.  "  We  must  let 
Nature  take  its  Course.  She  will  get  over  it 
in  about  Three  Weeks.  In  the  meantime  we 
must  watch  her  carefully  or  she  may  elope  with 
some  Weight-Lifter." 

[20] 


HOW  AGGIE  HAD  SPELLS 

Truly  enough,  the  Spasm  of  Muscular  De 
velopment  lasted  only  21  Days,  after  which 
she  took  a  good  Rest  and  slowly  regained  her 
Health.  Her  Parents  felt  hopeful.  The 
Violent  Exercise  seemed  to  have  worked  all 
the  Art  and  Actoritis  out  of  her  system. 

Just  as  Father  and  Mother  were  beginning 
to  feel  easy  in  their  Minds  an  awful  Thing 
came  off.  Aggie  wandered  out  one  Afternoon 
and  happened  to  stumble  on  a  Club  Meeting 
at  which  an  Authoress  with  Gold  Spectacles 
did  a  Balancing  Act  on  a  high  Pedestal.  Ag 
gie  came  home  with  the  Literary  Bacillus  bit 
ing  her  at  every  Step.  She  decided  to  write 
an  Historical  Novel  and  she  thought  she  had 
better  hurry  and  get  at  it  before  she  was  too 
Old.  So  she  began  to  wear  her  Clothes  loose 
and  had  Pencils  stuck  in  her  Back  Hair  and 
Ink-Stains  on  her  Fingers.  She  succeeded  in 
getting  acquainted  with  some  of  the  Literati. 
Now  and  then  she  would  bring  them  up  to  the 
House  and  Feed  them.  Father  couldn't  see 
them  at  all.  Aggie  said  it  was  a  great  Privi 
lege  to  meet  People  who  do  Things.  Father 
[21] 


The  Literati 


HOW  AGGIE  HAD  SPELLS 

said  that  some  of  them  ought  to  do  Time.  The 
Dealer  in  Pig-Iron  was  not  very  Bookish. 

Just  about  the  time  that  Aggie  was  con 
valescing  from  the  severe  Case  of  Literature, 
she  was  seized  with  Social  Reform.  She  dis 
covered  that  she  had  a  Mission.  She  was  going 
out  among  the  Working  Classes  to  show  them 
how  to  be  Intellectual.  Mother  suggested  that 
she  remain  at  Home  and  Show  Father  how  to 
be  Intellectual.  For  nearly  10  Days  she  was 
out  uplifting  the  Lower  Classes.  THen  one 
day  she  bounced  into  the  House  and  said: 
"  Mommer,  I  am  going  in  for  Photography." 

Mother  groaned,  but  she  was  not  greatly 
surprised.  She  was  getting  used  to  the  Fads 
and  Foibles. 

Aggie  began  to  blow  up  the  House  with 
Flash-Lights  and  she  converted  the  Clothes- 
Press  into  a  Dark-Room.  The  Premises  had 
a  Chemical  Odor.  The  Pictures  would  have 
been  all  right  if  the  Light  had  been  better,  or 
if  they  had  been  given  Time  Exposure,  or  the 
Camera  hadn't  waggled,  or  Something.  As 
it  was,  they  were  full  of  Fog  and  Moth-Balls. 
[23] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

One  afternoon  Aggie  was  swiftly  trans 
formed  from  a  Kodaker  into  a  Menticulturist. 
She  brought  home  a  Book  so  Deep  that  Mother 
couldn't  make  Head  or  Tail  of  it. 

Next  Day  a  Young  Man  walked  into  the 
Office  and  said  to  Aggie's  Father,  "  Sir,  I 
should  like  to  marry  your  Daughter." 

"  I  don't  know  who  you  are,"  was  the  Reply, 
"  but  you  can  have  her." 

MORAL:  The  Quick-Change  Artist  is  too 
much  for  the  Old-Style  Parent. 


The  Fable  of  the  Parlor   Blacksmith 

who  was  Unable  to  put  it  Right 

Over  the  Plate 


ONCE  there  was  a  left-handed  Society 
Selling-Plater  who  never  landed  in 
the  Money. 

Of  all  the  Sexes  that  roam  the  Earth  his 
pick  was  the  Feminine.  He  was  very  partial 
to  the  Women  Folks.  Even  the  Blondines 
who  work  the  Tooth-Picks  in  the  Rotunda,  and 
the  Fat  Ones  who  talk  Baby  Talk,  and  the 
Chickadees  who  chew  Gum  on  the  Trolley, 
and  the  dark-eyed  Duennas  who  forget  to  do 
up  their  Back  Hair,  and  the  Lumpy  Ones  who 
never  go  all  the  way  around  with  the  Powder 
Puff,  and  the  Flitty  Ones  who  give  the  Sou- 
brette  Zip  when  they  turn  the  Corner,  and 
the  Mopey  Ones  who  wear  Wrappers  and  eat 
Pickles,  and  the  little  Maudie  Freshes  who  turn 
out  on  Saturday  Night  looking  for  Drummers, 
and  the  Spindly  Ones  in  Rainy  Day  Skirts 
who  lead  Dogs,  and  a  good  many  others  who 
[25] 


The  Blacksjnith. 


THE  PARLOR  BLACKSMITH 

never  get  into  the  Christy  Pictures — they  may 
have  had  their^  Failings  but  they  looked  Purty 
Fair  to  him.  . 

The  last  one  out  was  always  Number  One 
with  Philo,  for  such  was  the  Name  of  Our 
Hero. 

During  many  a  long  Afternoon  when  he 
should  have  been  busy  with  the  Books,  Philo 
leaned  back,  combing  his  Mustaches  with  a 
Steel  Pen  and  looking  at  the  Wall.  He  could 
see  himself  in  a  Cozy  Corner  under  a  Red 
Light.  Beside  him  sat  a  Prize  Beaut  of  the 
kind  that  makes  a  Star  Feature  for  the  Sunday 
Paper.  She  was  holding  him  by  the  Hand 
and  whispering,  "  You  for  Me,  and  nothing 
else  doing." 

Almost  every  Nightfall  he  would  change  to 
a  White  Vest  and  start  out  to  see  if  he  couldn't 
make  the  Lithograph  come  true. 

Philo  always  had  his  Plan  of  Campaign 
ribbed  up.  He  knew  what  he  was  going  to 
say  when  she  came  breezing  into  the  Front 
Room.  Then  when  she  had  said  so-and-so  as 
a  playful  Come-Back  he  would  say  something 
[27] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Keen,  apparently  right  off  the  Reel,  and  that 
would  lead  up  to  the  Scene  in  the  Cozy  Corner. 

Philo  was  always  Letter  Perfect  at  Re 
hearsals,  but  when  it  came  to  the  Night  Show 
he  was  a  Scamp. 

The  Trouble  was  that  the  Little  Lady  never 
came  back  with  the  Right  Cue.  After  about 
two  Moves  she  would  hand  him  a  Liner  which 
he  would  Muff.  Then  for  the  next  five  Min 
utes  he  would  be  trying  to  rub  the  Varnish  off 
the  Chair,  using  himself  for  that  Purpose. 

Or  perchance  when  he  showed  up  with  his 
Lassoo  hidden  under  his  Coat  and  his  Soul 
steeled  to  Determination,  he  would  find  two  or 
three  other  Beaux  on  the  Premises,  all  organ 
ized  to  block  him  off.  Some  twenty  Minutes 
later,  Philo  would  be  up  stage  reading  a  Mag 
azine. 

After  being  Frosted  from  Head  to  Foot,  our 
Young  Friend  decided  that  one  who  would  in 
duce  a  Timid  Girl  to  move  over  and  be  Chum 
my,  must  not  go  after  her  but  compel  her  to 
follow  the  Trail.  Philo  read  in  a  Book  cost 
ing  $1.18  at  a  Department  Store  that  the  blase 
[28] 


Cozy  Corner. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Man  of  the  World  who  treated  them  with  cold 
and  smiling  Indifference,  simply  got  them  all 
worked  up. 

The  Game  plays  out  as  follows :  Cynical  Ike 
with  the  dark,  piercing  Eyes  and  the  lines  of  a 
Great  Sorrow  marked  on  his  Handsome  Face 
tells  Dora  that  all  Women  are  alike.  This 
Talk  goes  best  with  a  Turkish  Cigarette.  Dora 
tells  him  that  he  is  Off.  She  says  that  there 
are  Women  in  the  World  capable  of  Steadfast 
Love.  Ike  springs  a  pensive  Sigh  and  says 
Ah,  if  he  could  believe  it.  Thereupon  it  is  up 
to  her  to  prove  it  or  lose  the  Argument,  and 
that's  the  Answer. 

So  Philo  went  around  telling  every  one  who 
would  listen  to  him  that  Women  are  fickle  ever. 
When  he  called  he  sat  as  far  down  in  the  Chair 
as  he  could  get  and  said  cruel  Things  about 
the  World  of  Fashion.  He  wanted  to  get 
away  from  all  the  vain  Pretendings  of  Arti 
ficial  Society.  He  would  never  Marry. 

He  worked  this  along  the  entire  Chain  of 
Boarding  Houses  and  no  one  teased  him  to 
change  his  Mind.  Some  said  that  Philo  had 
[30] 


Boarding-House  Circuit. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

been  given  the  Hooks  and  was  Sore.  In  the 
Books,  all  the  swell  Lookers  are  supposed  to 
get  out  and  chase  the  Woman-Hater,  but  up 
in  the  5th  Ward,  where  Philo  resided,  the 
Recipe  was  no  good. 

Accordingly  he  switched.  The  second  Book 
that  fell  into  his  Hands  pictured  the  Young 
Fellow  who  simply  keeps  at  the  Girl  and  snoops 
around  and  plays  House  Dog  until  her  Wom 
an's  Heart  is  touched  by  his  Slavish  Devotion. 
Philo  began  to  camp  out  at  the  Home  of  a 
Brunette.  At  the  end  of  six  days  she  shiv 
ered  at  the  Sight  of  him.  After  he  had  been 
given  the  Headache  Answer  three  times  in  one 
Week  he  pulled  down  his  Entry  Money  and 
coppered  the  whole  Scheme. 

Once  he  attempted  the  Impetuous  Line  of 
Business.  It  always  works  out  on  the  Stage. 
The  Object  is  to  nail  the  Girl  without  giving 
her  a  Chance  to  become  acquainted  and  Inves 
tigate.  First  or  second  meeting  and  then 
Speech  about  having  loved  her  for  Years  be 
fore  seeing  her — Arm  around  Waist  before 
there  is  time  to  jump — Bing! 
[32] 


THE  PARLOR  BLACKSMITH 

One  Moonlit  Evening  it  was  that  $12-a- 
week  Philo  with  a  Vocabulary  of  82  Words 
started  out  to  win  the  Fair  One  with  just  one 
passionate  Whirlwind  that  would  carry  her 
off  her  Feet. 

He  moved  alongside,  got  a  Split  Infinitive 
crossed  with  a  defective  Adverb  and  died  on 
everything  except  the  Hug.  Inasmuch  as  she 
never  stood  for  any  Strong- Arm  Plays  until 
after  the  Fourth  Call  she  decided  that  she  had 
been  Insulted.  She  said  that  her  Father 
would  kill  him.  He  took  a  short  cut  across  the 
Lawn  and  escaped  into  the  Alley  back  of  the 
Engine  House.  Fortunately  she  had  other 
Callers  that  Evening  and  became  so  Interested 
that  she  forgot  to  speak  to  Father. 

Philo  began  to  weaken  on  the  Systems.  Yet 
he  knew  that  there  was  some  certain  Way  of 
going  at  it,  for  he  could  see  what  was  being 
pulled  off  all  around  him.  Every  Night  when 
he  was  out  scanning  the  Hammocks  and  Front 
Porches  in  order  to  spot  his  Destiny,  he  saw 
Whole  Bunches  of  them  snuggled  together  in 
the  Twilight.  He  wondered  how  they  man 
aged  to  Last. 

[33] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

As  for  him,  the  Girl  Proposition  had  him 
down  and  out. 

If  he  kept  quiet,  he  was  a  Stick.  If  he 
talked  against  time,  he  made  Breaks. 

If  he  complimented  other  Girls,  he  lost  his 
Number.  If  he  toasted  other  Girls,  he  insulted 
her  Dearest  Friends. 

If  he  tried  to  Coddle,  she  called  for  Help. 
If  he  didn't,  she  would  begin  to  Yawn  at  about 
9.30. 

He  had  tried  all  known  Methods  that  are 
supposed  to  be  Winners  and  he  was  still  a  thou 
sand  miles  from  the  Cozy  Corner. 

One  day  he  struck  upon  the  Explanation  of 
the  whole  sad  State  of  Affairs.  He  decided 
that  he  was  a  Shell-Fish. 

MORAL:  Never  play  a  System. 


[34] 


The  Fable  of  the   Veteran   Club-Girl 
who  had  no  Theories  to  Offer 


ONCE  there  were  a  lot  of  Dolly  Grays 
who  had  nothing  to  do  in  the  After 
noon  except  look  for  Kitchen  Help,  so 
they  organized  a  Club  at  which  Macaroons 
were  served  and  Current  Evils  received  many 
a  sassy  Rap. 

Several  times  they  had  settled  all  outstand 
ing  Differences  between  Capital  and  Labor, 
but  they  forgot  to  send  Word  to  the  inter 
ested  Parties. 

One  Day  they  all  took  hold  of  a  long  Rope 
and  pulled  Rudyard  Kipling  down  from  his 
Pedestal.  The  only  Thing  that  saved  Kip 
ling  was  that  he  did  not  hear  anything  about 
it. 

But  when  they  rallied  around  the  Home 
Topics,  that  was  where  they  lived.  When  it 
came  to  setting  down  Rules  for  repressing  the 
natural-born  Instincts  of  the  Little  Folks,  they 
were  Fine  and  Fancy. 

Occasionally  they  took  up  Man  and  picked 
[35] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

him  to  Pieces.  One  Week  they  proved  that  he 
was  absolutely  No  Good,  and  at  the  next 
Round-Up  they  discussed  Ways  and  Means  of 
keeping  him  at  Home.  A  Girl  who  had  been 
on  the  Bargain  Counter  since  the  Year  of  the 
Big  Wind,  and  no  Takers,  arose  and  wanted 
to  know  why,  if  Man  was  such  a  Bunch  of 
Trouble,  they  were  not  willing  to  tie  a  Can  to 
him.  She  was  hooted  and  the  Executive  Com 
mittee  threatened  to  take  her  License  away 
from  her  if  she  didn't  behave. 

Minnie  McGraw  had  a  very  hot  Paper,  tied 
with  Blue  Ribbon,  on  how  to  make  Home  so 
attractive  that  the  Bread- Winner  would  not 
care  to  go  chasing  out  every  Evening.  Min 
had  just  escaped  from  a  School  for  Girls  and 
she  had  a  lot  of  beautiful  Theories  that  were 
simply  waiting  to  be  frost-bitten.  She  al 
lowed  that  if  a  Wife  would  put  tissue-paper 
Shades  on  all  the  Lamps  and  surround  the  Old 
Boy  with  plenty  of  Sofa  Pillows  and  permit 
him  to  Smoke  and  then  flit  to  the  Piano  and  do 
a  crooning  Love  Song,  he  would  be  so  Charmed 
with  his  own  Fireside  that  it  would  never  occur 
[36] 


Minnie. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

to  him  to  put  on  his  Things  and  go  Down 
Town  for  a  little  while.  Min  had  it  all  fig 
ured  out  with  herself.  She  was  for  a  Cheery 
Home  with  an  $80  Angora  on  the  Prayer  Rug 
and  a  glowing  Bed  of  Coals  in  the  Grate. 

A  reformed  School-Teacher  who  belonged 
to  the  Club  took  a  different  Tack.  She  never 
had  been  Married,  but  she  knew  how  to  manage 
a  Man  because  she  had  worked  the  whole 
Thing  out  by  Algebra.  She  said  that  the  boss 
Scheme  for  anchoring  the  Wage-Earner  was 
to  supply  him  with  an  Atmosphere  of  Culture 
right  at  home.  Then  he  wouldn't  have  to  go 
out  to  a  Saloon  in  order  to  find  it.  She  ad 
vised  each  Wife  to  back  the  Provider  into  a 
Corner  at  7.30  P.  M.  and  read  Esoteric  Budd 
hism  to  him.  Later  on,  by  way  of  Recreation, 
they  could  take  a  couple  of  Leaves  out  of  the 
Dining-Room  Table  and  play  Authors.  A 
Husband  who  was  kept  busy  trying  to  guess 
the  most  celebrated  Works  of  Nathaniel  Haw 
thorne  would  never  hanker  for  a  Stag  Party 
at  the  Club  or  a  Social  Session  at  the  Lodge 
Room. 

[38] 


Home  Comforts. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Another  Lady,  who  had  been  doing  a  Mono 
logue  for  40  odd  years,  put  up  a  Theory  that 
Home  Life  lost  all  Attraction  for  Married  Men 
because  of  the  horrible  Evaporation  of  Love's 
Young  Dream.  She  said  that  the  Honeymoon 
ought  to  be  made  a  Continuous  Performance. 
Even  those  who  had  been  married  for  Twenty 
Years  ought  to  sit  around  on  one  another,  talk 
ing  Baby  Talk  and  trading  Conversation 
Hearts. 

Then  there  arose  a  stern  Woman  who  had 
been  to  the  Mill  and  got  her  Grist.  She  car 
ried  a  line  of  Black  Goods  in  Stock  because  she 
never  knew  at  what  Minute  she  would  need 
them.  Four  times  had  she  looked  the  Preacher 
straight  in  the  Eye  and  taken  an  awful 
Chance.  Of  the  Theories  of  Home-Making 
she  knew  precious  little,  but  when  it  came  to  a 
working  knowledge  of  Man  as  he  is  constructed 
nowadays,  she  was  there  with  the  Goods. 

"  Men  are  roughly  divided  into  two  classes," 

she  began.     "  We  have  those  who  love  Home 

so  well  that  they  cannot  be  dragged  out  after 

they  are  once  curled  up  for  the  Evening.     On 

[40] 


'An  Evening  with  the  Author *• 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

the  other  hand,  we  have  those  who  telephone 
ahead  when  they  are  coming  Home,  so  that  it 
won't  be  too  much  of  a  Shock.  I  have  tried 
both  Kinds  and  if  it  came  to  a  toss-up  I  don't 
believe  I  should  pick  either.  My  Preference 
would  be  for  the  Kind  that  is  around  when  he  is 
needed,  and  that  keeps  out  of  the  way  during 
the  long  Intervals  in  between,  but  I  never  met 
that  kind  except  in  my  Dreams. 

"  I  will  say  this  for  all  of  them,  however. 
For  the  first  Month  they  can't  be  shooed  be 
yond  the  Front  Door.  The  Wife  who  is  not 
Next  to  the  Habits  of  the  Critter  sees  him 
sitting  there  all  Evening,  surrounded  by  the 
Wedding  Presents  and  reading  a  History  of 
the  United  States  presented  by  his  Fellow- 
Employees  at  the  Wholesale  House,  and  she 
tells  herself  that  Domestic  Life  is  a  Cinch. 
But  there  comes  an  Evening  when  he  lowers 
the  Volume  of  History  and  listens  for  some<- 
body  to  call  him  up  on  the  Phone  and  say  that 
Adams  of  Galcsburg  is  waiting  for  him  at  the 
Hotel.  She  never  met  Adams  of  Galesburg. 
She  never  will  meet  Adams  of  Galesburg,  but 
[42] 


THE  VETERAN  CLUB-GIRL 

she  will  hear  about  him  now  and  then,  also 
about  Balancing  the  Books  at  the  End  of  the 
Month,  putting  somebody  through  the  Blue 
Lodge  or  the  Consistory,  and  a  Meeting  of  the 
Directors  of  the  Business  Men's  League  and 
the  Committee  on  Street  Improvement.  Then 
the  Time  will  come  when  no  Story  goes  with 
the  Exit.  She  will  go  to  the  Kitchen  to  count 
up  the  Breakage  for  the  Day  and  when  she  re 
turns  she  will  have  the  Front  of  the  House  all 
to  herself j  for  he  will  have  executed  a  cat-like 
Sneak.  That  is  when  she  wants  to  join  a 
Whist  Club  and  buy  a  Motto  reading  as  fol 
lows  :  *  Absence  makes  the  Heart  grow 
Fonder.' 

"  Now,  I  love  to  hear  the  Wise  Sisters  get  up 
and  do  their  Bits  at  a  Club  Meeting,  but  I  am 
here  to  tell  them  that  when  the  Other  Half  of 
the  Sketch  wants  to  duck  away  he  will  escape, 
and  you  can't  hold  him  by  playing  on  the 
Piano  or  reading  Essays.  I've  tried  every 
thing  from  putting  Morphine  in  his  Coffee  up 
to  Brute  Force,  and  now,  when  number  4  be 
gins  to  get  restless  about  7  P.  M.  I  hand  him 
[43] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

his  Hat  and  tell  him  to  come  in  as  quietly  as 
possible." 

MORAL  :  True  Happiness  must  be  taken  in 
broken  Doses. 


[44] 


The  Fable  of  the  Syndicate  Lover,  the 

Pickled  Papa  and  the  Rest  of 

the  Bunch 


ONCE  there  was  a  yearning  Bachelor. 
He  wanted  the  Girl  so  hard  that  he 
would  come  around  at  Night  and  look 
up  at  the  Windows  of  her  Boodwar  and  gnaw 
the  Palings  of  the  Front  Fence. 

The  Fires  of  Love  had  got  beyond  Control 
and  it  was  time  to  call  out  the  entire  Depart 
ment.  He  was  for  Petty  and  had  no  Shame  in 
the  Matter.  He  would  send  a  A.  D.  T.  boy. 
at  6,  saying  that  he  would  be  up  at  8  and  then 
he  would  phone  her  at  7  to  find  out  if  she  had 
received  the  Note. 

His  Affection  was  none  of  your  stingy,  half 
way  Quivers.  It  was  the  real  Essence  of  Goo- 
goo,  double  strength.  It  was  an  Omnibus 
Love  that  reached  out  its  red-hot  Tentacles 
and  twined  around  all  Objects,  animate  and 
inanimate,  that  were  associated  with  little 
Honey-Bun. 

He  would  have  deemed  it  a  Holy  Privilege 
[45] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

to  go  around  and  mow  the  Grass  in  her  Front 
Yard. 

It  was  the  kind  of  transfiguring,  old-fash 
ioned,  romantic-novel  Love  that  made  him 
think  well  of  her  Kin-Folks.  He  knew  that 
any  one  who  was  related  to  the  Queen  of  the 
Human  Race  was  certainly  Right.  So  he 
tried  to  stand  Ace  with  the  Old  People  and  a 
brother  named  Walter  and  a  tall-browed  Sis 
ter  who  was  Intellectual. 

Consequently  his  Work  was  mapped  out  for 
him. 

Mopsey's  Father  was  what  we  might  call 
Liberal  in  his  Views.  That  is,  he  was  not  bit 
terly  set  against  the  High  Ball  as  a  Substitute 
for  5  o'clock  Tea.  Furthermore  he  had 
stubbed  his  Toe  often  enough  to  know  from 
sad  Experience  the  true  Value  of  two  small 
Pairs  when  five  are  sitting  in. 

Had  it  not  been  that  he  took  on  his  daily 
Package  in  a  Club  instead  of  a  Saloon,  and 
carried  a  gold-headed  Cane,  a  good  many  peo 
ple  would  have  said  that  he  Drank.  As  it  was, 
he  simply  had  the  Name  of  being  a  High  Liver. 
[46] 


Father. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

When  he  was  slightly  Overset  and  carried 
about  165  in  his  Gauge  he  was  exceedingly 
Dignified,  in  fact  a  Gentleman  of  the  Old 
School.  He  objected  to  playing  Poker  with  a 
Stranger,  but  he  loved  to  skin  a  Good  Friend, 
so  he  was  no  Gambler. 

Baby's  Mother  was  exactly  the  Sort  that  is 
usually  married  to  an  elderly  Sport.  Having 
found  it  impossible  to  wean  him  away  from  the 
Red  Eye  and  the  Saturday  Night  Game  that 
laps  over  into  Monday  Morning,  she  tried  to 
catch  even  by  reforming  all  the  rest  of  the  Uni 
verse.  She  was  a  member  of  33  Organizations 
that  were  out  to  whip-saw  the  Cigarette,  down 
the  Cocktail  and  give  a  lasting  Ki-Bosh  to  the 
Blue  Chip  and  the  Kitty.  As  soon  as  she  had 
a  little  Money  saved  up  she  sent  it  to  the  Mis 
sionaries  in  Kakaroo.  By  attending  Services 
at  least  twice  every  Sunday  she  hoped  to  es 
tablish  a  good  General  Average  for  the  whole 
Family. 

As  for  the  other  members  of  the  Family  they 
knew  that  she  had  enough  Piety  to  supply  four 
ordinary  Mortals,  so  they  did  not  have  to  go 
[48] 


Mother. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

out  and  accumulate  any.  The  whole  Bunch, 
Father  included,  expected  to  get  past  the 
Turnstile  on  Mother's  Ticket. 

The  Sister  with  the  busy  Dome  was  in  two  or 
three  Philadelphia  Library  Clubs.  She  read 
one  Book  a  Day,  even  in  the  hottest  Weather. 
If  she  had  stopped  to  take  Breath,  the  Pub 
lishers  would  have  secured  a  Lead  and  she  never 
could  have  caught  up. 

Loved  One  had  a  Brother  with  big  gristly 
Hands  and  stocky  Shoulders.  His  Concep 
tion  of  a  Glad  Summer's  Day  was  to  get  out 
and  play  72  Holes,  followed  by  several  Sets 
of  Tennis,  after  which  it  was  time  to  bat  up  a 
few  Flies  and  then,  in  the  Gloaming,  start  in 
for  four  or  five  Hours  with  the  nimble  Ping- 
Pong. 

The  True  Lover  thought  it  a  smooth  Policy 
to  cultivate  the  Quartet  that  lived  with  his 
Own  and  Only  One.  As  for  Father  and 
Mother  and  the  female  Book- Worm  and  ath 
letic  Walter,  they  were  friendly  to  the  pros 
perous  Bachelor  and  each  one  determined  to 
put  in  a  few  quiet  Plugs  for  Sis. 
[50] 


THE  SYNDICATE  LOVER 

So  Father  took  the  Candidate  down  to  his 
Club  and  gave  him  Old  Stuff  that  was  130 
Proof  and  then  tried  him  out  in  a  nice  little 
cut-throat  Game.  By  the  time  he  got  away 
from  the  Pirates,  he  was  due  to  show  up  and 
attend  Morning  Service  with  the  prospective 
Mother-in-Law.  He  let  on  that  he  was  keen 
for  a  good  Sermon  and  he  made  an  awful  Bluff 
at  singing  the  Hymns  that  he  had  not  heard 
for  twenty  years.  On  Sunday  Afternoon  he 
was  due  to  meet  Brother  Walt  at  the  Country 
Club  and  play  him  for  a  Ball  a  Hole.  After 
a  couple  of  Sundays,  Walt  had  enough  Has- 
kells  to  last  him  a  Life-Time. 

When  he  had  hurried  to  his  Room  and 
rubbed  himself  with  Witch  Hazel,  he  would 
tear  for  the  House,  where  the  living  Book  Re 
view  would  be  waiting  to  ask  him  if  he  didn't 
think  Dorothy  Vernon  was  better  than  Billy 
Baxter.  While  he  would  be  doing  Foot-Work 
and  side-stepping  the  Questions  that  were  cal 
culated  to  show  him  up  as  a  howling  Igno 
ramus,  the  Real  Thing  would  be  sitting  back 
waiting  in  vain  for  an  Opening. 
[51] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

This  went  on  for  quite  a  Spell.  He  had 
been  jolted  at  Poker,  trimmed  at  Golf,  put 
against  long  Sermons  right  in  Fly-Time,  and 
conned  into  reading  47  Books  that  did  not  ap 
peal  to  him.  He  seemed  to  be  making  grand 
Headway  with  all  members  of  the  Outfit  ex 
cept  the  One  that  he  wanted  to  snare  out  into 
a  Dim  Corner  and  hold  in  a  Strong  Embrace 
forever  and  ever. 

After  a  while  he  began  to  weaken  on  the 
Scheme  of  playing  up  to  a  whole  Cast  of  Char 
acters.  He  wondered  if  it  would  not  be  just 
as  easy  to  love  a  lone  Orphan. 

She  was  Wise.  She  saw  herself  losing  a 
Good  Thing.  It  was  a  shame  to  back-cap  her 
own  Tribe,  just  when  they  were  pulling  for 
her,  but  she  had  to  do  it.  One  Night  she 
fought  off  the  others  and  lured  him  into  a 
Boat  and  there  in  the  Moonlight  she  told  how 
she  had  lived  in  the  same  House  with  them  for 
19  Years  and  how  they  were  all  right  but  they 
wouldn't  do. 

"  It's  a  mere  Suggestion,"  she  added,  "  but 
why  don't  you  stop  trying  to  make  these 
[52] 


THE  SYNDICATE  LOVER 

Around-the-Table  Combination  Shots  and  pay 
a  little  more  attention  to  Birdie.  You  don't 
have  to  win  out  the  entire  Family  in  order  to 
book  me.  You  must  be  an  Amateur." 

Thereupon  they  Clinched  and  the  Family 
dropped  out  of  the  Deal. 

MORAL:    Don't   try    to    Marry   an    entire 
Family  or  it  may  work  out  that  Way. 


[53] 


TJie    Fable    of  the   Misfit   who   Lost 

His  Ticket  Because  He  got 

the  Wrong  Hold 


ONCE  there  was  a  Social  Fizzle  named 
Homer  Splivens.  He  was  the  damp 
est  Fire-Cracker  that  ever  tried  to 
Pop. 

His  Parents  had  spent  $600  on  him  so  that 
he  might  know  how  to  enter  a  Bali-Room.  At 
the  age  of  26  he  could  not  Enter  without  walk 
ing  on  several  Ladies. 

Among  the  Town  Boys  he  was  regarded  as 
a  hot  Patsy,  but  the  Girls  looked  upon  him  as 
a  fair-haired  Rollo  who  was  too  Bashful  to  be 
real  Interesting.  At  a  Stag  Party  he  was  a 
Bright  Light,  but  when  he  found  himself  in 
his  Merry  Make-Up  and  surrounded  by  the 
Elite,  he  simmered  down  and  became  a  mere 
Chair-  Warmer  and  Coffee-Cooler. 

Homer  was  what  the  Horsemen  call  a  Bad 
Actor.  In  the  early  morning  practice  he 
could  do  a  Quarter  in  29,  but  when  he  had  to 
[54] 


THE  MISFIT  WHO  LOST  HIS  TICKET 

Pace  with  a  Bunch  he  struck  a  foolish  Side- 
Motion  and  ran  into  the  Fence. 

When  he  was  among  the  Fellows  he  opened 
up  like  a  Morning-Glory.  He  told  Stories 
and  said  Sarcastic  Things  about  Married  Peo 
ple  he  knew  and  made  up  Verses.  The  Young 
Men  would  repeat  these  Slick  Observations 
to  the  Girls  and  tell  them  how  witty  and  enter 
taining  old  Splivey  was.  So  the  next  time 
Homer  showed  up,  the  vivacious  little  Kittens 
would  form  a  Semi-Circle  in  front  of  him  and 
say,  "  Oh,  Mr.  Splivens,  do  tell  us  a  Story  or 
else  make  one  of  your  killing  Jokes."  Then 
Homer  would  flush  up  and  try  to  swallow  his 
Palate.  He  would  flatten  out  like  a  dying 
Welsh  Rabbit  and  make  a  few  choking  Sounds, 
but  there  would  be  nothing  doing  in  the  Story 
Line. 

After  a  Painful  Pause  the  Girls  would  quit 
him  cold.  During  the  remainder  of  the  Even 
ing,  Homer  would  sit  back  in  a  dark  Corner  of 
the  Gentlemen's  Dressing  Room,  thinking  up 
the  Reply  he  might  have  made  but  did  not. 

In  the  meantime,  the  Girls  would  be  giving 
[55] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

him  the  Giggle  and  saying  he  was  the  wooziest 
ever.  If  they  met  him  later  in  the  Evening, 
each  one  handed  him  some  Cutting  Remark 
about  having  a  Nice  Time.  If  they  had  been 
Men  he  could  have  Come  Back  in  grand  style, 
but  when  any  little  blue-eyed  Elsie  ran  up  and 
jabbed  a  Spear  into  his  quivering  Bosom,  he 
simply  groaned  and  turned  his  Face  to  the 
Wall. 

What  made  it  so  Bitter  for  Homer  was,  that 
in  his  Heart  of  Hearts  he  wanted  to  be  a  But 
terfly.  Frequently  he  would  say,  "  Some  Boys 
can  Fly  and  why  can't  I?" 

At  many  an  Evening  Party  he  would  con 
ceal  himself  behind  the  Bass  Viol  and  watch  the 
frivolous  Capers  of  the  Charley  Freshes  and 
wonder  how  they  did  it.  He  would  listen  to 
the  merry  Babble  and  wish  that  he  could  butt 
in  and  Talk  all  Evening  without  having  any 
thing  to  Say.  Sometimes  he  would  overhear 
the  Conversation  that  was  causing  all  the  Girls 
to  double  up  and  have  Duck  Fits.  Then  the 
Cold  Sweat  would  gather  in  large  Beads  on  his 
Forehead.  The  Talk  was  a  Cross  between  the 
[56] 


THE  MISFIT  WHO  LOST  HIS  TICKET 

innocent  Prattle  of  Childhood  and  the  mani 
acal  Maunderings  of  the  Incurable  Ward  at 
the  Foolish  Works. 

"  Oh !"  thought  Homer.  "  If  only  I  could 
mislay  my  Mind  some  evening  and  get  out  and 
deal  that  kind  of  pink  Persiflage,  I  would  be  as 
Popular  as  any  of  these  Willing  Performers." 

Homer  fell  in  Love  at  long  range  with  a 
Girl  named  Lucy  Livingstone.  Lucy  was  a 
Prize  Pansy  who  never  passed  in  Algebra,  but 
she  was  a  Talker  from  Conversationville. 
Homer  never  told  his  Love,  but  let  Conceal 
ment,  like  a  Green  Worm,  feed  on  his  essential 
Organs.  He  would  compose  a  Honeyed 
Speech  with  which  to  greet  his  would-be  Dul- 
ciana,  but  when  he  met  her  at  the  Corner  of 
Fifth  and  Main  he  would  lift  his  Hat  with 
the  wrong  Hand  and  gurgle  a  few  Words 
of  stereotyped  Piffle  and  back  into  a  Lamp- 
Post. 

Oh,  but  he  was  a  naughty  Lover!     When 

it  came  time  for  him  to  go  into  Action,  his 

Ammunition  was  always  wet.     And  even  when 

he  Fired,  he  never  got  to  Range.     He  would 

[57] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Loop  a  few  Loops  and  dodge  into  a  Cigar 
Store. 

What  made  him  so  sore  was  that  some  Hand 
some  Harry  with  Vaseline  on  his  Hair  and  not 
more  than  two  Ounces  of  Cerebellum  could 
saunter  up  to  the  Heart's  Idol  and  tap  her  on 
the  Back  and  call  her  "  Luce."  And  what  was 
ten  times  worse,  she  seemed  to  Like  it.  He 
saw  himself  done  up  forty  ways  from  the  Jack 
by  many  a  He-Pelican  who  could  not  command 
$8  a  week  in  the  Open  Market. 

When  he  met  her,  he  addressed  her  as  Miss 
Livingstone.  The  other  Fellow  called  her 
"  Sis  "  and  linked  Arms  with  her. 

Whenever  a  Rival  blocked  him  off,  Homer 
stood  around  on  one  Foot  for  a  while,  waiting 
for  an  Opening,  and  then  he  did  a  soft-shoe 
Sneak  and  swore  that  he  would  Forget  her. 

He  told  himself  that  he  was  a  Chump  for 
continuing  to  Worship  one  who  could  be  pawed 
over  and  man-handled  by  anything  that  wore 
a  Derby  Hat. 

But  H.  Splivens  was  Hard  Hit.  The  more 
he  tried  to  Sponge  Her  Likeness  from  the 
[58] 


Rival  No.  1. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Blackboard  of  his  Memory,  the  oftener  he 
thought  of  her.  He  yearned  to  monopolize 
the  Affection  which  seemed  to  be  On  Tap  for 
any  one  who  cared  to  step  up  and  turn  the 
Spigot. 

He  told  himself  that  Faint  Heart  never  won 
out  Fair  Lady.  From  all  he  could  gather, 
the  Society  Tit-Bit  preferred  the  Gaily  Boy  to 
the  one  who  sat  on  the  other  side  of  the  Room 
and  talked  about  the  New  Books. 

Mr.  Splivens  decided  to  turn  over  a  New 
Leaf.  He  saw  that  his  only  chance  was  to 
jump  in  and  make  a  Bold  Play.  His  tele 
pathic  Tactics  had  not  made  the  slightest  Im 
pression  on  Lucy.  The  Silent  System  was  no 
good. 

"  The  next  time  I  get  a  chance  to  Lead,  I 
will  give  her  a  Glad  Surprise,"  he  said  to  him 
self.  "  I  will  convince  the  Little  Lady  that 
I  am  not  made  of  Wood.  I  can  be  just  as 
Loving  as  the  next  one  if  my  Nerve  holds  out." 

So  he  went  to  a  Dance  and  there  was  Lucy, 
looking  very  Cute  and  Coquettish  and  hemmed 
in  by  the  usual  Gang  of  Third-Raters.  Mr. 
[60] 


Rival  No.  2. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Splivens  was  about  to  Buck  the  Line  and  make 
a  hard  Tackle,  but  he  suddenly  realized  that  he 
was  not  in  Condition.  What  he  needed  was  a 
little  Dutch  Courage.  Accordingly  he  slipped 
out  and  stowed  away  five  Santiago  Sours,  so- 
called  because  they  leave  you  wrecked  on  the 
Beach.  He  came  back  a  trifle  Squiffy.  He 
was  all  Lit  Up.  Homer  was  ready  to  be  as 
Friendly  and  Familiar  as  any  Girl  could  pos 
sibly  wish.  He  laid  Hands  on  the  surprised 
Lucy  and  led  her  to  the  dim  Conservatory. 

"  This  is  where  my  Stock  takes  a  Leap  of 
20  Points,"  he  said  to  himself,  as  he  led  her  to 
a  Rustic  Bench  beneath  a  Lemon  Tree. 

He  fixed  a  Burning  Gaze  on  her  and  care 
lessly  wrapped  an  Arm  about  her  supple 
Waist. 

"  Old  Girl,  you  are  a  Grand  Piece  of  Work," 
he  said. 

With  a  piercing  Shriek,  she  hurled  him 
among  the  Cacti  and  declared  that  she  had 
been  Insulted. 

"Why  do  you  discriminate  against  me?'* 
he  asked  in  a  hurt  Tone. 
[62] 


Rival  No.  3. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

"  I  always  supposed  you  were  a  Gentle 
man,"  she  said,  freezingly. 

"  I  have  been  up  to  date  and  probably  that 
is  why  my  Work  is  so  Coarse,"  he  replied. 
"Was  I  too  Sudden?" 

"  Wretch !"  she  exclaimed  and  swept  back 
into  the  Ball  Room. 

For  three  day:  after  that  her  Brother  was 
looking  for  Mr.  Splivens  with  a  Gun. 

MORAL:  It  has  to  be  done  in  just  a  certain 
Way. 


[64] 


The  Fable  of  the  Balky  Boy  who  Kept 
Her  Marking  Time 


A  YOUTH  who  had  the  Love  Microbe 
all  through  his  System  was  trying  to 
marry  a  Girl  without  letting  her  know 
anything  about  it.     He  was  dead  willing  to 
Hook  Up  and  the  sooner  the  better,  but  he  was 
afraid  to  undertake  a  Proposal  for  fear  he 
would  Fumble.     Every  time  he  came  up  to  the 
Main    Hurdle    he    laid    back   his    Ears    and 
squatted. 

Sometimes  he  thought  he  would  do  it  by 
Phone,  but  he  knew  that  Central  might  be  on 
the  Line.  He  had  written  a  good  many  let 
ters  with  Darling  played  up  in  every  Line,  but 
after  he  read  them  over  they  were  so  very 
Charlotte  Russe  that  he  renigged. 

He  knew  what  he  ought  to  do,  all  right 
enough,  because  he  had  read  the  Books  on  the 
Subject.  His  work  was  mapped  out,  and  to 
one  who  never  raced  a  Social  Favorite  the  Ask 
ing  Business  is  Soft. 

[65] 


Reading  Up. 


THE  BALKY  BOY 

When  one  sits  back  on  a  $2  Pad  in  the  Par- 
quette  and  sees  James  K.  Hackett  tear  off  a 
Love  Scene,  the  whole  Thing  looks  like  Money 
from  Home.  It  is  just  as  easy  as  signing  the 
book  for  something  that  is  waiting  to  be  de 
livered.  Every  Clothing  Salesman  in  the 
House  thinks  that  he  could  crouch  on  a  Rug 
and  sing  the  same  Song.  But  when  he  finds 
himself  in  a  Private  House  and  it  is  up  to  him 
to  advance  the  Ball  or  get  off  the  Field,  he 
falls  down  and  steps  on  himself. 

The  Youth  to  whom  we  have  referred  had 
started  in  35  different  times  to  submit  the  Life 
Risk  to  her,  and  every  time  his  Storage  Bat 
tery  had  failed  him  and  left  him  stalled. 

One  Evening  he  said  he  would  Spring  it  on 
her  if  he  had  to  take  a  Pencil  and  write  it  on 
the  Wall.  When  he  arrived  at  the  House  he 
met  one  of  her  School  Friends,  who  had  come 
on  for  a  Visit.  And  when  Miss  Friend  looked 
him  in  the  Eye  and  beckoned  him  to  the  Sofa, 
he  realized  that  there  is  such  a  thing  as  being 
too  Hasty. 

The  Friend  overpowered  him  and  carted  him 
[67] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

to  the  Altar,  which  suited  him  exactly.  But 
he  never  knew  that  the  First  One  had  sent  for 
the  Friend. 

MORAL:  Faint  Heart  has  saved  many  a 
Fair  Lady. 


[68] 


The  Fable  of  how  Wisenstdn  did  not 
Lose  out  to  Buttinsky 


ONCE  there  was  a  Steady  who  over 
played  his  Standing  and  came  within 
an  Ace  of  losing  his  Home. 

It  happened  thuswise.  He  was  a  Daylight 
Performer  and  loved  to  parade  his  Attractions. 
If  he  had  a  Duchess  on  his  Staff  he  would  lead 
her  along  the  main-travelled  Streets  and  show 
her  off.  But  he  held  her  by  the  Arm  just  the 
same  for  fear  that  some  one  would  run  out  of 
an  Alley  and  grab  her. 

When  he  had  a  Beaut  wearing  his  Photo  in 
her  Locket  he  wanted  all  the  World  to  know 
about  it. 

Furthermore,  he  was  the  kind  that  would 
take  a  Friend  with  him  when  he  went  calling  on 
No.  1.  He  wanted  the  Friend  to  see  for  him 
self  that  the  Girl  thought  the  World  of  Papa. 
It  was  Fine  Business  for  the  Friend  to  sit  over 
on  the  Far  Side  of  the  Room  and  watch  them 
hold  Hands,  now  and  then  stealing  a  little  Old 
[69] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Hug.     The  Friend  must  have  enjoyed  every 
Minute  of  it. 

Once  in  a  While  the  busy  Lover  would  look 
over  at  Friend  and  tip  him  the  Wink  as  if  to 
say,  "  Oh,  I  suppose  this  little  Party  fairly 
hates  me." 

But  one  Evening  when  he  went  out  Hand- 
Holding  and  carried  his  own  Gallery  with  him 
he  ran  into  Bunches  of  Trouble.  The  Friend 
belonged  to  the  Buttinsky  Family  and  refused 
to  stay  on  the  Far  Side  of  the  Room.  He  was 
a  clever  two-handed  Boy  and  had  practiced  a 
few  Holds  of  his  Own.  He  pulled  his  chair 
over  and  made  it  a  Threesome.  In  about  8 
Minutes  he  had  the  Regular  Fellow  stymied 
and  Hazel  was  leaning  against  him  so  as  to 
make  his  Conversation  a  Short  Carry. 

Before  he  left  that  Evening  he  had  himself 
all  dated  up  for  a  Return  Engagement.  It 
looked  as  though  the  other  Young  Gentleman 
had  the  Casters  under  him. 

From  that  time  on  it  was  Nip  and  Tuck. 
They  took  all  of  her  Open  Time  in  one  Chunk 
and  divided  it  up  between  them. 
[70] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Sometimes  they  got  on  the  Reservation  to 
gether  and  then  the  only  one  who  had  a  Good 
Time  was  the  Girl. 

The  Original  Gentleman  Friend  was  a  Wis- 
enstein.  As  soon  as  he  saw  himself  losing  out, 
he  began  to  lay  deep  and  shifty  Plans  to  head 
off  the  new  Entry.  A  two-by-four  chinless 
Intellect  would  have  tried  to  put  the  Rival  into 
the  Nine-Hole  by  opening  up  on  him  and  tell 
ing  where  he  spent  some  of  his  Evenings,  but 
Wisenstein  had  read  on  a  sign  somewhere  that 
every  Knock  is  a  Boost.  He  knew  that  no  Fel 
low  ever  landed  a  real  Princess  by  talking 
Scandal  about  the  other  Candidates.  Accord 
ingly,  he  played  a  deep  System.  He  became 
Press  Agent  for  his  Friend.  He  touted  Mr. 
Buttinsky  as  the  real  Essence  of  Allygazam. 
He  painted  him  in  four  bright  Colors  and  put 
his  Picture  in  every  Window. 

When  he  got  the  Girl  aside  he  would  tell  her 
that  dear  old  Buttinsky  was  one  of  the  most 
charming  Chaps  in  the  World  and  claimed  to 
have  a  lot  of  Women  spreading  their  Nets  for 
him.  He  said  that  Buttinsky  was  a  great 


HOW  WISENSTEIN  DID  NOT  LOSE 

Singer,  having  been  known  up  in  the  Country 
where  he  came  from  as  the  Village  Thrush. 
He  advised  her  to  have  Buttinsky  tell  a  num 
ber  of  his  Stories,  because  as  an  After-Dinner 
Wit  he  had  Chauncey  M.  Depew  churned  to  a 
Froth  and  was  commonly  known  as  the  Life 
of  the  Party.  Then  he  asked  her  if  she  had 
seen  Buttinsky  cut  loose  in  a  Bail-Room.  He 
said  that  all  the  Girls  who  saw  Buttinsky  move 
across  the  gleaming  Floor  in  the  Two-Step 
began  to  look  Glassy  out  of  the  Eyes  and  sank 
back  in  a  Stupor.  If  she  ever  found  time  she 
ought  to  talk  Books  with  Buttinsky  because  he 
knew  them  from  A  to  Izzard  and  could  get  rid 
of  Literary  Talk  in  a  Style  calculated  to 
charm  a  Bird  out  of  a  Tree.  And  as  for  dear 
old  Art,  he  was  supposed  to  be  the  Man  who 
had  written  it. 

Buttinsky  did  not  know  that  he  was  being 
Lithographed  as  a  Phenom.  When  the  Prin 
cess  urged  him  to  trot  out  his  Accomplish 
ments  he  thought  she  was  so  Sticky  on  him 
that  everything  he  did  looked  good  to  her.  So 
he  squared  up  to  the  Piano  and  sang,  "  Be- 
[73] 


Buttinsky. 


HOW  WISENSTEIN  DID  NOT  LOSE 

cause  "  in  a  Tenor  that  came  from  right  be 
tween  his  Eyes.  He  chucked  in  a  few  Minors* 
They  were  these  naughty  Witch-Hazel  Fel 
lows,  and  after  he  had  turned  a  few  of  the 
Tonsorials  loose  in  the  Parlor,  he  had  the 
Princess  straightened  out  as  stiff  as  a  Board 
and  biting  at  the  Doilies.  When  she  led  him 
around  to  the  Subject  of  the  late  Novels  he 
got  all  balled  up,  for  he  thought  that  Ger 
trude  Atherton  wrote  "  Mary  MacLane." 
And  one  Night  when  she  teased  him  out  on  the 
Dancing  Floor  and  he  missed  Step  and  tried 
to  walk  up  one  side  of  her,  she  began  to  have 
a  dim  and  twinkling  Suspish  that  this  Boy 
Wonder  was  a  Two-Spot. 

Buttinsky  helped  Matters  a  lot  by  trying  to 
undermine  Mr.  Wisenstein,  who  had  been  say 
ing  all  the  Nice  Things  about  him.  Every 
time  he  got  the  Princess  backed  on  a  Sofa  he 
did  a  Hammer  Solo.  For  instance,  he  advised 
her  to  have  no  Dealings  with  a  Man  who  drank. 
He  said  that  Wisenstein  was  a  Nice  Fellow, 

But .     Then  for  about  30  Minutes  the 

absent  Wisenstein  wrould  get  his. 
[75] 


Wlsey — Some  Evenings. 


HOW  WISENSTEIN  DID  NOT  LOSE 

About  the  time  that  the  Princess  began  to 
class  Buttinsky  as  a  False  Alarm  so  far  as  Ac 
complishments  went,  she  started  in  to  be  Indig 
nant  because  he  roasted  one  who  always  spoke 
so  Lovely  of  him. 

As  for  Wisenstein,  when  she  came  right  out 
and  asked  him  about  his  Habits,  he  owned  up 
and  leaned  on  her  Shoulder  and  said  his  only 
Hope  was  to  get  a  Good  Woman  to  Reform 
him.  Which,  probably,  was  a  very  foolish 
Move. 

Then  when  she  remembered  how  Magnani 
mous  he  had  been,  always  speaking  well  of  a 
Certain  Person  who  had  tried  to  sew  Buttons 
on  him,  she  perceived  that  Wisenstein  was  one 
of  Nature's  Noblemen.  He  contradicted  her 
at  first,  but  finally  let  her  have  her  own  Way. 
And  Mr.  Buttinsky  did  not  seem  to  be  One- 
Two-Seventeen. 

MORAL:  Beware  of  the  Friend  who  tells 
how  Good  you  are. 


[77] 


The  Fable  of  the  Fatal  Album  and 
the  Leap  for  Life 


ONE  Evening  a  Girl  named  Eclaire 
had  her  Steady  in  the  Parlor  and  was 
trying  to  keep  him  from  falling 
Asleep.  She  had  told  him  all  the  Scandal  she 
could  think  of  and  Wished  a  Ring  on  his  Fin 
ger  and  played  Philopene,  and  at  last  she  had 
to  call  in  that  Stop-Gap  of  revered  Memory, 
the  Family  Album. 

She  showed  him  the  Picture  of  Uncle  Tib- 
betts  who  lived  in  Iowa,  and  Cousin  Jess  who 
married  the  Music-Teacher  et  cetera,  finally 
coming  to  the  Likeness  of  a  slender  and  at 
tractive  Damsel  in  an  out-of-date  Costume. 

"  Why,  this  is  a  Ringer  for  you,"  said  the 
Regular  Fellow. 

"  It  is  a  Picture  of  Mommer  before  she  was 
married,"  said  Eclaire.  "  Everyone  says  I 
am  the  perfect  Image  of  her." 

The  Young  Man  got  busy  with  his  Thinks. 
He  had  seen  Mommer.  She  was  a  good,  moral 
Woman,  but  she  had  a  Face  that  suggested 
[78] 


•MI 
Hit 


The  Steady. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Dill  Pickles  and  a  Shape  that  no  Straight 
Front  could  regulate. 

"  If  It  25  years  ago  looked  exactly  as 
Daughter  does  at  present,  then  it  is  an  8  to  1 
Bet  that  Daughter  in  25  years  will  be  what 
Mommer  is  to-day,"  he  said  to  himself. 

So  he  jumped  through  the  Window  and 
carried  the  Sash  with  him.  No  one  ever  saw 
him  on  that  Corner  again. 

MORAL  :  It  is  not  on  Record  that  the  Fam 
ily  Album  ever  proved  a  Help. 


[80] 


Tlie  Fable  of  the  Young  Woman  who 
had  to  have  Everything  Just  So 


FASTIDIOUS  Fannie  was  the  name  of 
a  Girl  who  had  her  Pencil  out  and 
marked  down  an  Error  the  Minute  it 
was  made.  She  knew  the  Rules  and  Regula 
tions  by  Heart.  She  slept  with  the  Hand- 
Book  of  Etiquette  under  her  Pillow  and  worked 
the  Eagle  Eye  whenever  she  was  in  Company. 
Fan  was  so  Grammatical  that  she  made  nearly 
every  one  tired,  and  she  was  so  Touchy  that 
those  who  took  long  Chances  and  started  in  to 
Chat  with  her,  had  to  weigh  every  Word. 

At  least  a  dozen  Young  Men  came  fooling 
around  at  different  Times,  attracted  by  her 
cold  Beauty  and  the  fact  that  she  was  the  Only 
Child  of  a  National  Bank.  Fan  put  the  Blue 
Tag  on  them  one  by  one.  The  first  was  six 
hours  late  in  making  his  Party  Call,  and  when 
he  came  around  he  found  the  Gate  nailed  up. 
The  second  wore  his  Dinner  Jacket  and  a 
Black  Tie  one  Evening  when  he  should  have 
worn  his  long  Henry  Miller,  so  Fan  wrote  to 
[81] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

him  that  he  was  90  per  cent  Pinky  Doodle 
and  belonged  in  a  Lumber  Camp.  Another 
was  careless  enough  to  strike  a  Match  and 
light  his  Student's  Lamp  one  evening  when  he 
was  seeing  her  Home.  She  screamed  and 
called  for  a  Cab,  for  she  held  that  no  True 
Gentleman  would  Smoke  a  Cigarette  while 
walking  with  a  Lady.  A  fourth  Aspirant 
wrote  to  her  on  the  wrong  kind  of  Paper  and 
put  the  Date  at  the  Top  instead  of  the  Bot 
tom  and  the  Answer  that  he  longed  for  never 
came.  A  fifth  got  the  wrong  Clutch  on  her, 
while  they  were  Waltzing,  and  after  that  she 
couldn't  see  him,  not  even  with  a  Spy  Glass. 

Thus  she  threw  them  into  the  Scrap  Heap 
as  fast  as  they  bobbed  up.  One  parted  his 
Hair  on  the  wrong  side  and  another  kept  his 
Hands  in  his  Pockets  and  another  walked  on 
the  off  side  of  her,  when  they  went  up  Street. 

At  last  she  had  checked  up  the  whole  Push 
and  not  one  would  Do.  And  they  were  so 
Scared  of  her  that  when  they  came  near  her 
Corner  they  did  a  little  Foot- Work  to  the  other 
side  of  the  Street. 

[82] 


Fan — at  Present. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

For  8  Years  she  sat  with  the  Lace  Curtains 
parted,  keeping  a  keen  lookout  for  old  Perfec 
tion.  She  knew  that  there  were  some  Real 
Gentlemen  in  the  World,  because  she  had  read 
about  them  in  Charles  Major. 

At  last  she  began  to  lean  against  the  chilly 
Fact  that  the  Tide  had  gone  out  and  left  her 
tangled  in  the  Sea-Weed.  So  she  went  out 
and  put  up  a  Sign  in  the  Front  Yard :  "  Man 
wanted.  White  one  preferred." 

MORAL:  Marry  him  first  and  remove  the 
Kinks  afterward. 


[84] 


The  Fable  of  What  Befell  the  Design 

ing  Chauncey  who  Walked  Right 

Up  and  Spoke  to  Her 


ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Gum- 
Chewer  named  Tessie  who  ironed  up 
her  White  Dress  and  bought  seven 
yards  of  Ribbon  and  went  on  a  Picnic  given 
by  the  Ladies'  Auxiliary  of  the  Horse-Shoers' 
Union. 

Tess  was  more  than  nine  and  could  take  care 
of  herself  at  any  point  along  the  line.  She 
was  full  of  the  Old  Harry  but  very  Popular. 

She  had  a  changeable  Figure  and  a  Com 
plexion  that  showed  up  best  at  a  Dance. 

Although  somewhat  shy  on  Happy  Clothes 
she  managed  to  leave  a  small  Ripple  behind  her 
whenever  she  plowed  along  Main  Street,  show 
ing  her  Buckles.  Uusually  she  wore  her  Sailor 
pulled  down  to  her  Eye-Brows  and  cast  fright 
ened  Glances  to  right  and  left,  as  if  to  say, 
"  Gee  !  I  wonder  if  some  Fresh  Guy  is  going  to 
speak  to  me?" 

But  some  of  them  didn't. 
[83] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Therese  was  her  Official  Name  and  she  used 
it  on  her  Cards,  each  of  which  had  a  Colored 
Picture  of  Flowers  in  the  Corner.  Mother  got 
the  name  in  a  Story-Paper. 

The  Bertha  Clay  Habit  seemed  to  run  in  the 
Family.  Tessie  loved  to  work  her  way  into  a 
Tea-Gown  and  then  get  a  couple  of  Pillows 
under  her  and  eat  Fudges  and  read  how  Basil 
Armytage  rode  up  to  the  Manor  House  and 
found  Loraine  waiting  for  him  beside  the  old 
Yew  Tree. 

Tessie  didn't  know  the  diff  between  a  Manor 
House  and  a  Chop  House  but  it  sounded  swell 
and  she  had  a  secret  longing  to  meet  a  sure- 
enough  Basil  who  wore  what  is  sometimes 
known  as  a  Dress  Suit  and  had  Brilliantine  on 
his  Mustaches. 

While  waiting  for  Basil  to  pop  out  at  some 
Corner  and  catch  step  with  her,  Tess  was  doing 
the  best  she  could. 

And  that  was  why  she  used  up  a  lot  of 
Starch  getting  ready  for  the  Picnic  given  by 
the  Ladies'  Auxiliary  of  the  Horse-Shoers' 
Union. 

[86] 


The  Manor  House. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

When  she  walked  up  the  Gang-Plank  her 
Shoes  were  hurting  her  a  little  but  she  had  on 
all  of  her  Rings  and  thought  fairly  well  of 
herself. 

Tessie  did  not  fetch  any  Lunch-Basket  with 
her  because  she  had  a  horrible  Suspicion  that 
seme  Gentleman  would  get  to  talking  to  her 
and  then  make  her  go  and  eat  a  few  Lines. 
She  had  been  out  a  couple  of  times  before  and 
it  had  been  her  Luck  not  to  come  back  Hun 
gry.  Tessie  had  a  sort  of  a  Hunch  that  His 
tory  would  repeat  itself. 

So  Tessie  planted  a  Camp  Stool  right  in  the 
Main  Promenade  where  those  who  wished  to  go 
Forward  or  Aft  would  be  compelled  to  walk 
over  her.  After  which  she  gazed  pensively  at 
the  broad  expanse  of  Drink  and  waited  for 
something  to  happen. 

Now  among  those  on  Board  was  a  Pale-Face 
with  more  or  less  Neck  who  was  prominently 
connected  with  the  Bundle  Department  of  a 
first-class  Clothing  Store.  His  name  was 
Chauncey  and  he  loved  the  Society  of  La 
dies.  At  the  same  time  he  knew  his  Place. 
[88] 


A  Real  Basil. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Chauncey  spotted  Therese  and  saw  that  she 
was  alone  and  sighing  for  Company  but  he 
did  not  care  to  be  too  Brash  at  the  first  Crack 
for  fear  that  she  would  give  a  Yelp  and  jump 
Overboard. 

Accordingly  he  nerved  himself  and  ap 
proached  her,  Hat  in  Hand,  and  began  to  beg 
her  Pardon. 

He  said  he  knew  it  was  hardly  Proper  to 
brace  a  Young  Lady  without  the  Formality  of 
an  Introduction  but  he  hoped  she  would  over 
look  his  Boldness.  He  made  it  so  Strong  that 
Tessie  had  to  play  the  Banker's  Daughter  in 
order  to  hold  up  her  end.  She  said  it  did  seem 
very  strange  to  be  sitting  right  there  talking 
to  a  Party  she  had  never  Met  and  if  her  People 
ever  suspected  that  she  done  anything  of  that 
Kind,  they  would  be  Awful  Sore. 

Chauncey  pulled  out  his  Cuffs  and  began  to 
deal  Polite  Conversation  of  the  kind  that  is 
supposed  to  calm  the  Fears  of  a  Trembling 
Young  Thing.  He  told  her  his  Real  Name 
and  showed  his  Link  Buttons  and  begged  her 
not  to  regard  him  as  a  Mere  Flirt. 
[90] 


WHAT    BEFELL    CHAUNCEY 

At  the  end  of  a  half  hour  she  was  chewing 
the  End  of  her  Fan  and  answering  "  Yes  "  and 
"  No."  It  looked  to  Tessie  as  if  she  would 
have  to  put  up  with  him  all  Day  so  she  began 
to  work  the  Flag. 

As  for  Chaunce,  he  perceived  that  he  had 
been  too  Fresh,  so  he  switched  to  the  Weather 
and  began  to  burn  low  and  threaten  to  go 
out. 

Just  when  Tess  figured  herself  a  sure  Loser, 
some  one  hit  her  in  the  Back  and  called  her  Sis. 
It  was  a  loud  Hick  who  had  been  watching  her 
on  the  Dock. 

"  I  like  your  Nerve !"  exclaimed  Tessie,  giv 
ing  him  the  Eye. 

"  Now  you  behave  or  I'll  give  you  a  mean 
old  Slap  right  on  the  Elbow,"  said  the  Hick, 
saying  which  he  seated  himself  between 
Chauncey  and  Therese. 

"  Gladys,  dost  think  you  could  learn  to  love 
me?"  he  asked,  taking  her  by  the  Lace  Mitt. 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  Chauncey  was  very 
Indignant.  He  felt  it  his  Duty  to  protect  the 
poor  Girl  but  somehow  he  found  himself 
[91] 


The  Hick. 


WHAT    BEFELL    CHAUNCEY 

blocked  off  and  there  was  no  chance  to  get  in 
a  Word. 

The  Hick  was  telling  Therese  that  her  Eyes 
were  not  Mates  and  that  he  didn't  care  so  much 
for  the  way  her  Hair  was  put  up  and  she  was 
toasting  him  for  Keeps  and  threatening  to 
hand  him  One  if  he  didn't  let  go  of  her. 

Finally  she  got  so  mad  that  she  asked  him  to 
come  to  the  back  part  of  the  Boat  so  that  she 
could  tell  him  just  what  she  thought  of  him. 

That  was  where  Chauncey  found  himself 
alone  with  the  Waterscape.  Tessie  never 
came  back  for  she  had  found  her  Meal-Ticket. 

MORAL  :  The  League  Rules  do  not  go  at  a 
Picnic. 


[93] 


The  Fable  of  the  He-Flirt  who  was 

very  Jimpsy  in  the  Hotel  Office 

but  a  Phoney  Piece  of  Work 

when  Turned  Loose  in 

a  Flat 


A  DROVE  of  Homeless  Bachelors  was 
herded  every  Night  in  a  sad  European 
Hotel.  One  of  them  was  a  Lady- 
Killer,  who  didn't  deny  it.  He  had  left  a 
Trail  of  Broken  Hearts  from  Penobscot,  Me., 
to  Puget  Sound.  He  had  the  Style  of  Beauty 
made  familiar  by  the  Wood-Cuts  in  the 
Weekly  Story  Paper.  He  was  the  Police 
Gazette's  Idea  of  a  Gent.  Also  he  was  an 
identical  Ringer  for  the  polished  Villain  of 
the  Ten-Twent-and-Thirt  Repertoire  Troupe. 
He  had  a  long,  silky  Gambler's  Mustache  and 
he  wore  embroidered  Suspenders.  He  was 
Elegant  in  Every  Detail.  Trust  him  for 
that. 

His  name  should  have  been  Chilton  Travers 
or  Lionel  Lyndhurst,  but  his  Parents  could 
[94] 


THE  HE-FLIRT 

not  foretell  that  he  would  grow  up  to  be  Mani 
cured  once  a  Week,  so  they  called  him  Bill. 

He  wore  Satin  Fronts  and  Velvet  Collars 
and  put  Cologne  on  his  Eye-Brows.  Bill  had 
massive  Jewels  on  each  hand  and  a  Watch- 
Charm  the  size  of  a  Padlock.  When  he  had 
combed  his  Hair  so  that  it  stood  up  in  front, 
a  la  the  Polite  Brakeman,  and  whitened  him 
self  with  Talcum  Powder,  and  splashed  him 
self  with  Musk  and  eaten  a  few  Cachous  to 
perfume  the  Breath,  he  was  more  than  Satis 
fied  with  himself.  He  wore  sharp-toed  Patent 
Leathers,  with  Green  Tops,  at  all  Hours  of 
the  Day  and  Night.  Bill  read  the  Smart  Set 
every  Month  and  told  how  much  his  Clothes 
cost,  and  before  he  had  conversed  with  a 
Stranger  very  long  he  would  bring  up  the 
Subject  of  Silk  Underwear.  One  of  the 
yearning  Ambitions  of  his  Life  was  to  own  a 
Seal-Skin  Overcoat. 

When  Bill  was  on  the  Road  there  was  never 
a  Waitress  with  a  Waspy  Waist  and  high- 
heeled  Shoes  that  did  not  tremble  violently 
when  she  handed  him  his  Tenderloin  of  Beef 
[95] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Larded  with  Mushrooms.  It  is  not  often  that 
a  poor  Working  Girl  gets  a  Chance  to  see  the 
real  Kafoozalum,  although  she  often  reads 
about  him  in  The  Duchess. 

At  the  Hotel  which  he  illuminated  with  his 
Presence,  Bill  was  wont  to  gather  a  few 
Friends  about  him  and  tell  of  all  the  Happy 
Homes  he  had  wrecked.  He  let  it  be  under 
stood  that  when  he  held  up  one  Finger  and 
whistled,  they  came  running  from  all  Direc 
tions. 

His  Stock  Narrative  always  began  with  a 
Scene  in  a  Parlor  Car.  According  to  his  Tell 
it  was  practically  impossible  for  him  to  ride 
any  Distance  in  a  Pullman  without  having 
some  Society  Girl  of  ravishing  Beauty  fix  a 
hungry  Gaze  on  him  and  begin  to  wig-wag 
for  a  Better  Acquaintance.  She  was  usually 
the  Daughter  of  a  Cincinnati  Millionaire, 
with  a  Swell  Place  on  Walnut  Hill,  or  mayhap 
he  learned  afterward  that  she  belonged  to  a 
Prominent  Family  living  in  Euclid  Avenue, 
Cleveland.  If  he  cared  to  mention  Names  he 
could  tell  of  a  certain  Party  that  moved  in  the 
[96] 


Bill's  Past. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

very  highest  Push  of  Fifth  Avenue,  who 
wanted  to  break  off  an  Engagement  with  a 
Guy  from  Boston,  and  all  on  his  Account.  He 
was  a  Devil  among  the  Women,  and  he  admit 
ted  it.  As  soon  as  a  Lady  had  counted  up  his 
Rings  and  Lockets  and  got  a  good  whiff  of  the 
Musk,  she  was  ready  to  play  the  White  Slave. 
Sometimes,  when  the  Pipe  was 'drawing  very 
freely,  he  would  tell  all  about  being  invited 
out  to  spend  the  Evening  with  a  certain  Queen 
whose  Father  owned  one  of  the  principal  Banks 
in  Omaha.  To  prove  that  all  he  said  was 
True,  he  would  show  a  Pink  Envelope  with 
Sealing  Wax  on  the  back  of  it.  Those  who 
had  obtained  a  Flash  of  these  Missives  noticed 
that  they  were  addressed  in  Blue  Ink,  with  a 
little  Curly  Tail  to  each  Capital  Letter,  thus 
proving  that  they  must  have  been  written  by 
Heiresses. 

One  Peculiar  Fact  in  connection  with  the 
Killings  made  by  this  Commercial  Don  Juan 
was  that  all  the  Victims  of  his  Fatal  Beauty 
lived  at  least  200  miles  away.  Here  in  the 
Town  which  was  Headquarters  for  him,  he 
[98] 


THE    HE-FLIRT 

seemed  comparatively  Harmless.  He  could 
put  on  his  fawn-colored  Prince  Albert  with  a 
Red  Carnation  and  a  jaundice-colored  Cravat, 
and  carry  his  gold-headed  Cane  all  up  and 
down  the  main  Thoroughfares  and  then  come 
back  to  the  European  Hotel  without  having 
any  of  the  Elite  tagging  after  him.  In  fact, 
if  he  hadn't  Confessed  so  often,  no  one  would 
have  suspected  that  Rainbow  Bill,  the  human 
Mardi  Gras,  had  ever  cut  any  Melons  outside 
of  the  Switchmen's  Ball. 

At  this  same  Hotel  there  lived  two  or  three 
Young  Fellows  who  did  not  use  Cocoa  Cream, 
or  Scented  Soap,  and  not  one  of  them  had  ever 
made  Cruel  Sport  of  the  trusting  Affections  of 
a  Railway  President's  only  Child.  They 
thought  they  were  good  and  lucky  if  they 
could  sally  out  after  Nightfall  and  while  away 
a  careless  Hour  with  a  few  nice  Stenographers 
and  Music  Teachers.  All  they  expected  was  a 
little  'Coon  Stuff  on  the  Piano  and  then  some 
Dutch  Lunch. 

It  happened  that  they  told  the  Girls  about 
Rainbow  Bill  who  lived  down  at  the  Hotel  and 
[99] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

was  receiving  come-back-to-me  Letters  every 
Minute  or  two  from  the  Leaders  of  Kansas 
City's  400  and  the  Prize  Beauties  of  Lexing 
ton,  Ky.,  to  say  nothing  of  the  Hot- 
Looker  whose  Old  Man  had  just  built  a  $250,- 
000  Hut  outside  of  Philadelphia. 

The  Girls  said  they  should  like  to  meet  one 
who  had  got  in  right  with  so  many  of  the 
First  Families,  but  they  were  afraid  that  he 
wouldn't  pause  to  dally  with  them,  seeing  that 
they  were  on  Salary.  Perhaps  one  accus 
tomed  to  show  off  in  a  spacious  Drawing-Room 
would  find  his  Style  more  or  less  cramped  when 
thrown  into  the  6x9  Parlor  of  a  $22  Flat. 
However,  the  Boys  said  they  would  try  to  in 
veigle  Rainbow  Bill.  Only,  they  gave  Fair 
Warning  that  he  claimed  to  be  a  Sorcerer  and 
that  after  he  looked  a  Soubrette  in  the  Eye 
and  made  a  couple  of  Passes,  she  was  His,  and 
took  Orders  from  no  one  else.  The  Girls  said 
they  were  ready  to  take  a  Chance.  Besides, 
they  had  been  Vaccinated. 

The  Boy  with  the  Wardrobe  of  many  Colors 
did  not  show  any  Eagerness  when  told  that  he 
[100] 


THE    HE-FLIRT 

was  wanted  up  at  the  Flat.  He  began  to 
back  water  and  fake  up  Excuses.  They  had 
to  tell  him  that  the  Girls  had  seen  him  on  the 
Street  and  were  dying  for  an  Introduction. 
At  last  he  fixed  himself  up  until  he  smelled 
like  a  box  of  Cashmere  Bouquet,  and  they  took 
him  in  Tow. 

He  began  to  lose  out  from  the  Minute  that 
he  came  up  the  front  Steps.  His  Reputation 
had  preceded  him  and  it  was  the  kind  that 
would  sink  a  Ship.  The  nifty  tailor-made 
Damsel  of  Nineteen  Hundred  and  Something 
doesn't  ask  any  better  Sport  than  to  walk  up 
and  down  on  the  tonsorial  Wretch  who  fancies 
that  he  is  Irresistible.  As  soon  as  a  Man 
Bills  himself  as  a  Girl-Tamer,  the  whole 
Sorority  wants  to  get  out  and  stab  him  to 
death  with  Hat-Pins.  For  some  Reason,  the 
latest  variety  of  New  Woman  resents  the  Sug 
gestion  that  she  is  a  Soft  Mark  for  the  curb 
stone  Masher  who  stands  in  front  of  Cigar 
Stores  and  Works  the  Banjo  Eye. 

It  may  have  been  True  that  Rainbow  Bill 
cut  a  wide  Swath  in  Kansas  City  and  visited 
[101] 


Bill  in  a  Flat. 


THE    HE-FLIRT 

all  the  warm  Tamales  in  St.  Paul,  but  up  in 
the  dinky  Flat  he  was  one  cold  Portion  of 
Lobster  a  la  Newburgh.  The  Girls  sparred 
him  back  into  a  Corner  and  kidded  him  to  a 
Frazzle.  They  passed  the  Sarcastic  Shots  at 
the  Rate  of  one  per  Second  with  no  Return, 
although  frequently  he  had  told  that  he  was 
a  great  Hand  for  Repartee.  They  hurled  the 
Javelins  into  him  until  he  curled  like  a  Rub 
ber  Band.  The  fascinating  Wiles  that  had 
played  such  Havoc  among  the  Society  Belles 
at  other  Points  somehow  refused  to  come  to 
the  Surface.  All  he  could  do  was  shift  his 
Legs  and  look  Sheepish.  In  the  whole  course 
of  the  Evening  he  found  his  Voice  8  times, 
but  he  didn't  say  anything  that  would  have 
induced  a  Girl  to  leave  her  comfortable  Home. 
After  the  first  half  hour  they  wouldn't  have 
known  he  was  there  at  all,  if  he  hadn't  got  in 
the  Way  occasionally. 

MORAL  :  Copper  all  Confessions. 
[103] 


The  Fable  of  how  Economical  Edward 
got  His  Quietus 


ONCE  there  was  a  young  fellow  named 
Edward  who  could  make  a  Dollar  go 
as   far  as  the  next  one.     He  wore 
Hand-me-Downs  that  looked  as  if  they  had 
been  made  by  a  Swell  Tailor.     He  kept  his 
Trousers  on  Hangers  and  took  such  good  care 
of  his  Wardrobe  that  a  Suit  would  last  him 
from  3  to  5  Years.     He  shaved  himself  and 
blacked  his  own  Shoes  and  borrowed  a  Paper 
to  read. 

So  that  although  his  Salary  didn't  make  him 
round-shouldered  taking  it  Home,  he  was  en 
abled  to  soak  a  couple  of  Frog  Skins  each 
Month  and  was  contemplating  Matrimony. 

Edward  estimated  that  two  of  them  could 
get  along  comfortably  on  his  Pay  without 
cracking  the  Nest  Egg.  In  Fact,  he  had  it  all 
figured  out.  The  House  Rent  would  be  so 
much  and  the  Groceries  would  stand  him 
something,  and  then  he  allowed  $200  a  year 
for  Clothing.  He  knew  that  he  could  worry 
[104] 


ECONOMICAL  EDWARD 

along  on  half  of  that  Amount  and  he  had 
heard  that  Dresses  were  cheaper  than  Suits  of 
Clothes. 

One  Evening,  just  about  the  time  when  he 
was  waiting  for  a  Chance  to  nab  the  Girl,  he 
was  at  the  House  with  other  Callers,  among 
them  several  Women. 

They  were  asking  the  Real  Thing  about 
some  Finery  she  had  just  purchased.  She 
said  she  knew  it  must  be  an  awful  Bore  to  Men, 
but  she  supposed  she  would  have  to  show  it. 
So  she  went  upstairs  and  came  back  with 
enough  Merchandise  to  fill  one  of  Wanamak- 
er's  Windows. 

The  Women  Callers  went  into  Convulsions 
and  the  Men  looked  at  it  solemnly  and  said 
"  Yes,  it's  Purty." 

"Aint  that  a  Dream?"  asked  the  Real 
Thing,  holding  up  a  Picture  Hat.  "  I  got 
that  for  next  to  Nothing.  He  wanted  60  but 
I  jewed  him  down  to  55." 

"  How  much  did  your  Tailor-Made  set  you 
back  ?  "  asked  one  of  the  Callers. 

"  Only  150,"  replied  the  Real  Thing. 
[105] 


Only  55  Bucks. 


ECONOMICAL  EDWARD 

"  My !  that's  awful  Cheap,"  said  the  Caller. 

"  Yes,  and  I  think  it's  just  as  good  as  the 
Expensive  Kind.  O,  by  the  way,  Francesca, 
I  saw  a  Boa  yesterday,  that  was  a  Looloo.  I'm 
going  to  have  it,  too.  The  Man  wants  200 
for  it." 

They  were  so  busy  looking  at  the  new 
Duds  they  did  not  notice  that  Edward  had 
fallen  back  with  the  Lock-Jaw.  He  recovered 
sufficiently  to  find  his  way  to  the  Boarding 
House  but  he  destroyed  the  $100-a-Year  Es 
timate,  and  the  Real  Thing  was  never  again 
annoyed  by  having  him  call  her  up  on  the 
Phone. 

MORAL  :  There  is  always  one  Way  of  get 
ting  rid  of  him. 


[107] 


The  Fable   of  the  Married  Girl  who 

Ran  the  Eating  Station  for 

Luminaries 


ONCE  there  was  a  Patient  Man  who 
had  one  kind  of  a  Wife.     Something 
hurt  her  all  the  time  but  she  couldn't 
tell  just  what  it  was.     She  was  afflicted  with 
Soul-Hunger.     She  was  a  New  Woman.     In 
fact  she  was  one  of  the  Newest  Women  that 
ever  came  out  of  a  Book  Store  and  she  was 
Fresh  every  Hour. 

When  the  Latest  Fad  struck  Town  she  ap 
pointed  herself  a  Reception  Committee  and 
hurried  out  as  far  as  the  Railroad  Bridge  to 
welcome  it.  She  loved  to  mess  around  with 
little  Clubs  that  went  on  Young  Hyson  Jags 
and  then  groped  after  the  Whatness  of  some 
thing.  If  she  could  land  in  with  a  dreamy 
Bunch  and  sit  in  a  Front  Room  with  all  the 
Curtains  pulled  down  and  the  Candles  shaded, 
while  a  Lady  who  never  had  ruined  her  Shape 
read  a  Puzzle  Paper  that  got  past  every  one 
[108] 


THE    MARRIED    GIRL 

who  heard  it,  then  the  Wife  of  the  Plain 
Man  thought  she  was  having  the  Time  of  her 
Life. 

She  loved  to  flirt  with  the  Unknowable  and 
occasionally  take  a  Fall  out  of  the  Occult. 

But  she  had  no  Time  for  anything  she  could 
Understand.  She  preferred  to  sail  through 
the  Ethereal  Regions  of  the  Bamboo  Dreams, 
hanging  by  one  Toe  and  having  a  Rush  of 
Blood  to  the  Head. 

As  suggested  at  the  Beginning  of  the  Fable, 
the  Poor  Woman  did  not  know  what  hurt  her 
but  she  proceeded  on  the  Theory  that  the 
Higher  Intellectual  Life  consisted  of  Equal 
Parts  of  Vertigo  and  Guess-Work. 

All  this  meant  Fine  Business  for  the  Boy 
who  in  a  Careless  Moment  had  promised  to 
Love,  Honor  and  Obey.  She  sprang  a  new 
Series  of  Curves  on  him  every  Week  or  two. 
Sometimes  he  suspected  that  she  had  gone  aft 
to  the  Wheel-House  but  he  didn't  like  to  say 
so  on  account  of  the  Children.  So  he  contin 
ued  to  play  Angel  to  her  Continuous  Perform 
ance. 

[109] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

The  Wife,  whose  name  was  Azalea,  used  to 
go  out  and  dig  up  all  kinds  of  Geniuses  and 
take  them  up  to  the  House  and  Feed  them. 
She  considered  it  a  great  honor  to  have  some 
melancholy  Person  with  an  unusual  kind  of 
Hair  come  up  to  their  Number  and  eat  about 
$2  worth  of  Chow. 

She  and  the  Genius  would  sit  at  opposite 
ends  of  the  Table  and  ping-pong  a  line  of  in 
spired  Conversation  that  never  touched  Hus 
band  at  all.  He  couldn't  even  keep  Score. 

Azalea  never  could  find  time  for  a  straight 
away  Business  Man  who  wore  a  Sack  Suit  and 
an  ordinary  Collar  and  talked  about  what  had 
been  in  the  Morning  Paper.  No  indeed,  for 
she  was  on  the  look-out  for  Rare  Birds. 

She  went  to  a  Paderewski  Concert  once  and 
when  the  Artist  with  the  crinkly  Mop  leaned 
over  the  Gee  Side  of  the  Key -Board  and  began 
to  tear  off  the  Quarter-Notes  with  his  Eyes 
closed,  it  was  then  that  Azalea  tried  to  climb 
over  the  Foot-Lights  and  steal  a  Kiss. 

Azalea  always  had  a  number  of  Musical 
Mokes  on  her  Staff.  When  she  had  a  Soiree, 
[110] 


Azalea. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

the  Plain  Husband  would  go  away  back  and 
sit  down  behind  a  Rubber  Plant  or  an  Orange 
Tree  where  no  one  could  see  him.  He  knew 
that  the  Music  was  Good  but  it  did  not  sound 
right  to  him. 

Azalea  did  not  put  in  all  of  her  time  with 
the  Musickers.  One  day  she  came  home  and 
said  that  she  had  discovered  the  greatest  Lit 
erary  Genius  ever  born  in  Captivity — one  who 
would  sooner  or  later  make  Hall  Caine  look  like 
3  cents  worth  of  Saleratus. 

"  How  do  you  know  he  is  a  Genius  ?  "  asked 
the  Plain  Husband,  who  was  becoming  Leery 
of  her  Finds. 

"  He  told  me  so,"  she  replied.  "  And  he 
has  consented  to  Dine  here." 

"That  will  be  sweet  Billiards,"  said  the 
Plain  Husband.  "When  I  come  home  at 
Night  all  tuckered,  there  is  nothing  cheers  me 
more  than  to  listen  to  an  incipient  Author  with 
a  16  Collar  on  a  UJ  Neck." 

"But  this  one  is  a  Remarkable  Character," 
said  Azalea.  "  He  is  so  Erratic  that  every 
one  is  talking  about  him.  He  has  worn  the 


Azalea's  Husband. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

same  Hat  for  nine  years  and  sometimes  he  sits 
for  Hours  at  a  time  without  speaking  to  any 
one.  He  has  made  a  great  Rep  for  himself  by 
throwing  down  People  who  are  trying  to  be 
kind  to  him.  His  favorite  Specialty  is  mak 
ing  Cracks  about  those  who  Entertain  him.  I 
have  no  doubt  that  he  will  go  away  and  say 
the  most  Sarcastic  Things  about  us,  but  then 
you  must  expect  that  from  a  Genius." 

"  I'll  bet  that  he  won't  say  any  worse  things 
about  us  than  I  say  about  him,"  said  the  Plain 
Husband.  "  What  time  does  the  Genius  ar 
rive?  " 

"  You  never  can  tell,"  was  the  Reply.  "  He 
is  so  Great  that  he  scorns  to  keep  his  Appoint 
ments,  but  if  he  comes  at  all,  it  will  be  some 
where  between  five  and  nine." 

"  I  will  go  and  stock  up  the  Side-Board," 
said  the  Plain  Husband. 

The  Genius  arrived  at  9.30  and  said  all  he 
wanted  for  Dinner  was  four  Bowls  of  Soup 
and  an  Orange.  Azalea  thought  he  was 
charmingly  Eccentric.  It  would  be  wrong 
to  tell  what  the  Plain  Husband  thought. 
[114] 


THE    MARRIED    GIRL 

Azalea  had  a  way  of  uncovering  Lady  Re 
formers  who  were  above  the  Fripperies  of 
Dress.  Every  week  or  so  the  Plain  Husband 
would  arrive  at  the  House  to  find  everything 
upset  in  Honor  of  some  longitudinal  Empress 
in  the  World  of  Thought  who  glared  at  him 
through  Steel  Specs  and  wore  her  Wens  in  the 
most  unexpected  Places.  Any  time  that  the 
Plain  Husband  bumped  against  a  Proposition 
of  this  kind,  he  folded  up  like  a  Pocket  Cam 
era.  When  it  came  time  to  Carve  he  would 
be  so  Nervous  that  every  Slice  looked  as  if  it 
had  been  put  through  a  Fluting  Machine. 

This  went  on  for  Years.  He  used  to  tell  on 
the  Outside,  when  he  was  in  his  Cups,  that  he 
was  conducting  a  first-class  Boarding  House 
for  Freaks.  Azalea  put  it  differently.  She 
said  that  she  had  entertained  more  Whales 
than  any  other  Woman  along  the  Street. 

But  the  Dorsal  Vertebrae  of  the  long-suffer 
ing  Camel  may  be  weighted  to  the  Point  of 
Fracture  and  there  came  a  Day  when  the  Plain 
Husband  riz  up.  He  invited  a  few  Friends 
to  Dinner  and  then  notified  Azalea.  She 
[115] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

scanned  the  List  and  then  threw  a  couple  of 
Throes. 

"  Nobody  ever  heard  of  these  Folks,"  she 
said. 

"  That  is  why  it  will  be  such  a  blamed  Re 
lief  to  have  them  around,"  said  the  Plain  Hus 
band.  "  I  long  for  the  sight  of  those  who 
Comb  it  in  the  Ordinary  Way  and  talk  about 
something  besides  Themselves.  I  have  got 
good  and  tired  of  looking  at  Genius  through 
Smoked  Glasses.  Before  I  die  I  should  like  to 
attend  just  one  Dinner  Party  at  which  the 
Host  would  cut  a  little  Ice.  And  to-morrow 
this  Sign  goes  up  at  the  Front  Portal :  *  No 
Tramps,  Beggars,  Peddlers  or  Geniuses  need 
apply.'" 

MORAL  :  It  gives  one  a  Crick  in  the  Neck  to 
look  up  all  the  Time. 


[116] 


The  Fable  of  the  Girl  who  had  Her 
Reasoning  Powers  with  Her 


ACERTAN    hard-working    Butterfly 
who  met  a  Girl  in  the  Afternoon  and 
called  on  her  that  Evening,  had  a  little 
System  of  his  own.     He  believed  that  the  cor 
rect  Method  was  to  tell  each  New  One  all  about 
how  the  Others  were  crazy  to  Land  him.    This 
would  show  that  he  was  a  Popular  Young  Fel 
low  and  would  make  the  New  One  a  little  more 
eager  to  cut  the  others  out. 

The  System  worked  so  well  that  he  used  it 
all  the  time.  He  kept  his  Pockets  full  of  Let 
ters  and  Photographs  to  prove  that  he  was 
No.  1  with  at  least  a  Dozen  of  them,  and  in 
order  to  make  it  very  Strong  he  had  a  few 
Presents  of  Jewelry  that  he  would  show,  under 
his  Coat,  when  he  became  very  Confidential. 

Said  he  to  himself:  "The  short-sighted 
Lothario  sits  alongside  of  his  Lovey-Dove  and 
tells  her  that  she  is  the  only  one  in  the  whole 
Patch,  but  I  let  her  know  that  I  am  more  than 
Friendly  with  at  least  five  or  six.  Competition 
[117] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

is  the  life  of  Courtship.  I  play  one  against 
another.  It's  a  Shame  the  Way  I  String 
them." 

It  chanced  that  this  Circulating  Suitor  one 
day  met  a  sweet  and  shapely  Venus  and  im 
mediately  flashed  his  Date-Book. 

"  Have  you  any  Open  Time?  "  he  asked. 

"  Come  up  to-morrow  Evening,"  she  re 
plied.  "  I  have  another  Booking  but  I  will 
cancel  it." 

He  arrived  before  she  had  her  Make-Up  on. 
He  started  early,  because  he  had  so  much  to 
tell  her.  She  didn't  know  him  very  well,  so  it 
was  necessary  to  give  her  a  Line  on  his  Record 
as  a  Girl-Subduer. 

She  came  down  and  he  got  Busy.  He 
showed  her  a  Ring  that  had  been  given  to  him 
one  Night  in  a  Boat,  and  he  let  her  read  part 
of  the  Letters  to  prove  that  they  called  him 
Darling  Boy  and  he  told  how  several  Wed 
dings  had  been  postponed  in  the  Hope  that  he, 
the  Idol  of  the  Ladies  and  the  Envy  of  the 
Men,  might  change  his  Mind. 

The  Girl  was  intensely  interested.  For  a 
[118] 


"  Scat!  " 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Woman  to  be  a  Man's  Confidante  in  a  throb 
bing  Love  Affair  is  unadulterated  feminine 
Luxury. 

Along  about  11  o'clock  he  thought  he  had 
her  sufficiently  Enthralled,  so  he  placed  him 
self  on  the  Sofa  and  attempted  to  take  her 
Hand. 

"  Scat,  You  Trifler !  "  exclaimed  the  Beau 
tiful  Maiden,  repulsing  him.  "  No  Member  of 
the  Tell  Club  can  do  the  Fondle  around 
This  House.  When  you  get  ready  to  publish 
your  Book  on  the  Confessions  of  a  Male  Co 
quette,  you  will  have  to  omit  the  Chapter  about 
Me,  because  I  am  not  going  to  give  you  any 
Souvenirs,  or  write  you  any  give-away  Let 
ters  or  send  my  Photo.  I  have  learned  to  put 
a  Nixey  Label  on  the  Man  who  tells  all  he 
Knows." 

MORAL  :  The  Man  who  tells  you  about  the 
Last  One,  will  tell  the  Next  One  about  you. 


[120] 


The  Fable  of  the  Fellow  who  had  a 

Friend  who  Knew  a  Girl  who 

had  a  Friend 


ONCE  there  was  a  Utility  Man  who 
drew  whatever  was  left. 
His    regular    Assignment     was  to 
take  care  of  the  Discard.  Whenever  an  Extra 
Man  was  needed  at  the  last  Moment  some  one 
called  up  the  Mark  and  told  him  to  hurry  over. 
Then  when  he  arrived  he  could  take  his  Pick 
of  the  One  that  was  left  in  the  Bone-  Yard  after 
all  the  rest  had  drawn  Cards. 

One  of  his  regular  Specialties  was  to  keep 
the  Chaperon  busy.  After  he  had  worked 
at  this  for  a  few  Seasons  he  could  not  figure 
that  he  was  anything  to  the  good  except  a  few 
Panel  Pictures  of  Elderly  Married  Ladies.  It 
is  lovely  Sport  to  be  Esteemed  by  the  Mothers' 
Club  but  once  in  a  while  he  would  secretly  pine 
for  something  that  scaled  under  35.  His 
Heart  had  been  on  Short  Rations  for  so  long 
that  it  was  about  the  size  of  a  Golf  Ball.  He 
[121] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

was  getting  good  and  sore  on  the  Patsy  Boli 
var  Job.  As  soon  as  any  one  began  to  give 
him  the  old  come-on  about  being  one  Man  shy 
he  would  start  in  to  back  up  and  try  to  think  of 
another  Date. 

He  cut  out  his  Position  as  First  Aid  to  the 
Chaperons  and  began  to  hint  around  that  he 
was  willing  to  meet  an  attractive  and  refined 
Young  Lady;  object,  Matrimony.  He  had 
some  Acquaintances  who  started  in  to  help 
him. 

Said  one  of  them :  "  I  have  a  Dream  planted 
up  the  Street  here  and  she  has  a  Friend.  I 
mil  get  her  on  the  Phone  and  have  her  send  for 
the  Friend.  We  will  drop  in  about  9  o'clock 
and  everything  will  be  Grand.  I  want  you  to 
see  this  Nectarine  that  I'm  tied  up  with.  When 
she  walks  down  the  street  they  jump  out  of  the 
Windows." 

"  I  am  not  worrying  so  much  about  her," 
said  the  Mark.  "  Tell  me  something  about 
the  Friend." 

"  She  can  certainly  teach  a  Piano  how  to 
take  a  Joke,"  was  the  Reply. 


The  Nectarine. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

"  So  can  a  Pianola,"  said  the  Mark.  "  Is 
she  a  Looker?  That's  what  I  want  to 
know." 

"  I'll  tell  you  how  it  is,"  said  the  Shell- 
Worker.  "When  you  take  the  first  Flash 
you  don't  care  so  much  for  her.  But  after 
you  get  to  Talking  to  her  you  forget  all  about 
it,  especially  if  you  don't  look  at  her." 

"  It  might  help  some  if  I  wore  Blinders," 
said  the  Mark.  "  I  think  I'm  due  to  be  Stung 
but  I'll  take  a  Chance." 

In  the  meantime  the  Nectarine  had  torn 
over  to  see  Friend. 

"  Oh  Irene !  "  she  exclaimed,  "  Wilfred  just 
called  me  up  and  said  he  knew  a  Man  that 
was  crazy  to  meet  you.  He's  going  to  bring 
him  up  to-night." 

"  Would  it  be  Nice  to  meet  a  Stranger  as 
if  by  Appointment  ? "  asked  Irene,  as  she 
reached  for  the  Curling-Iron  and  got  ready 
to  Primp. 

"  Oh,  what  do  we  care?  "  said  the  Nectarine. 
"  Let's  raise  the  Dickens.     Wilfred  said  they 
would  blow  in  about  9  o'clock." 
[124] 


THE  FELLOW  WHO  HAD  A  FRIEND 

"  All  right,"  said  the  Friend.  "  I  will  be 
there  a  little  before  8." 

When  the  Mark  was  Presented  there  hap 
pened  to  be  a  large  Japanese  Screen  between 
him  and  the  Window,  so  that  gave  him  no 
chance  to  Jump.  Friend  shoved  him  back 
into  a  Window  Seat  and  asked  him  to  put  a 
Cushion  behind  her.  Then  she  started  in  to 
twist  the  Buttons  off  his  Coat  and  tell  him 
how  much  she  had  heard  about  him.  She 
said  he  had  an  Interesting  Face.  He  had  a 
Notion  to  come  back  but  he  didn't  think  it 
would  be  right. 

She  said  that  very  few  People  understood 
her — that  she  was  not  Bad  at  Heart  but 
merely  out  for  a  Good  Time.  Then  she  said 
about  4,000,000  other  Things  along  the  same 
Lines  that  he  did  not  recall  afterward  because 
he  was  trying  to  figure  out  some  Scheme  to 
Break  Away. 

The  Bunko  Man  had  the  Nectarine  on  the 
other  side  of  the  Screen.  He  was  in  no  Rush 
because  they  were  telling  each  other  the  His 
tories  of  their  Rings. 

[125] 


Irene. 


THE  FELLOW  WHO  HAD  A  FRIEND 

After  the  Boys  had  gone  Irene  said  that  Wil 
fred's  Friend  seemed  to  be  a  Perfect  Gentle 
man  but  he  was  very  Quiet. 

"  How  was  she  ?  "  asked  Wilfred,  when  he 
and  the  Mark  stopped  to  light  up. 

"  I  don't  know,"  was  the  Reply.  "  I  didn't 
hear  her  play  the  Piano." 

"  They  are  expecting  us  again  To-morrow 
Night,"  remarked  Wilfred. 

"  Not  for  my  Money,"  said  the  Mark. 

So  Wilfred  had  to  go  back  and  give  them 
the  Old  One  about  his  Friend  being  called  out 
of  Town.  Soon  after  that  another  Profes 
sional  Caller  tackled  the  Mark  and  asked  him, 
"  Are  you  hooked  up  for  To-night  ?  If  not, 
I  am  going  up  to  frivol  with  a  Corker  who 
thinks  the  World  of  me  and  I  want  you  to  go 
along  and  take  care  of  a  Friend." 

"  Why  is  it  that  I  get  the  Excess  Bag 
gage  ?  "  asked  the  Mark.  "  Before  I  start, 
tell  me  what  I  am  going  against." 

"  I  have  never  seen  her,"  said  the  Capper. 
"  She  is  here  on  a  Visit.     But  I  have  it  right 
that  she  is  very  Well  Read." 
[127] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

"  I  am  not  running  around  in  the  Night  Air 
•  to  improve  my  Mind,"  said  the  Mark.  "  Some 
thing  tells  me  that  this  is  another  Time  when 
I  get  it  in  the  Collar-Button,  but  I  may  be 
wrong,  so  I  will  go." 

That  Evening  he  was  handed  a  Large  One 
whose  particular  Lay  was  that  Men  did  not 
seem  to  know  what  Women  suffered.  She  said 
they  were  Oh,  so  Indifferent  and  soon  Forgot. 
The  Mark  hoped  that  it  might  be  so.  He 
had  a  very  yellow  Evening  but  the  one  who 
had  taken  him  along  had  a  Time,  so  it  was  all 
right. 

After  being  landed  twice,  the  Mark  was  so 
Leery  that  he  refused  to  allow  anybody  to 
stake  him  to  a  Good  Thing. 

He  began  to  take  Observations  and  discov 
ered  that  every  Hot-Looker  had  a  Friend  that 
she  carried  along  as  a  Background  and  also  to 
find  out  what  People  were  saying.  In  order 
to  prevent  Competition,  the  Hot-Looker  usu 
ally  selected  a  Pal  who  did  not  stack  up  to  any 
extent  as  a  Beauty  Queen  but  was  easy  to 
get  along  with. 

[128] 


THE  FELLOW  WHO  HAD  A  FRIEND 

The  Mark  saw  that  he  could  not  make  Love 
on  the  Personally  Conducted  Plan,  so  he  went 
out  on  a  Still  Hunt  all  by  himself.  He  found 
a  Girl  who  had  a  Friend  but  he  cut  a  wide 
Circle  around  Friend  and  nailed  Girl. 

Then  he  got  into  the  Confidence  Game  him 
self  and  hunted  around  for  some  one  who 
would  go  along  and  talk  to  the  Chromo  and 
keep  her  out  of  the  Way. 

MORAL:  The. Birds  of  Paradise  very  seldom 
fly  into  the  Trap. 


[129] 


The  Fable  of  the  Roundabout  Way  in 

which  Gilbert  Made  Himself 

Strong  with  Alice 


GILBERT  was  engaged  to  marry  Re 
fined  Alice,  Daughter  of  the  Com 
mission  Merchant. 

He  was  on  the  List  of  Eligibles  that  every 
Mother  in  Town  had  in  her  Writing  Desk. 
The  Parents  on  both  sides  of  the  Fence  had 
given  their  Consent.  All  Preliminaries  had 
been  arranged.  There  was  not  a  Cloud  in  the 
Sky.  It  was  a  tame  everyday,  colorless  kind 
of  Courtship  and  that  is  why  it  did  not  suit 
Alice. 

She  wanted  to  be  Engaged  to  some  one  who 
would  send  a  Secret  Message  by  the  Faithful 
Servant  and  then  climb  a  Rope-Ladder  and 
try  to  Kiss  her  through  a  Screen  Window.  Her 
Idea  of  meeting  a  Lover  was  to  slip  out  on  a 
Dark  Night  and  find  him  at  the  Trysting- 
Place,  muffled  in  a  Cloak.  There  was  no  par 
ticular  Excitement  in  being  under  Contract  to 
one  who  came  in  the  Front  Way.  So  she 
[130] 


GILBERT    AND    ALICE 

wearied  of  the  Alliance  and  Gilbert  began  to 
have  Visions  of  himself  on  a  Siding  and  get 
ting  the  Red  Light. 

He  knew  that  she  wanted  a  Love  Affair  with 
a  few  streaks  of  Melodrama  in  it  and  rather 
than  pass  up  a  Good  Thing  he  fixed  it  for  her. 

He  got  her  Father  into  a  Poker  Party  and 
bluffed  him  out  of  his  Money  and  then  joshed 
him.  Alice's  Father  went  home  and  said  that 
he  had  been  mistaken  in  the  Young  Man  and 
perhaps  she  had  better  call  the  Deal  off.  Then 
a  lot  of  Gilbert's  Friends  went  around  to  see 
her  and  they  began  to  Rap.  They  told  her 
that  Gilbert  was  an  all-night  Bat  and  a  Sport 
and  that  he  had  a  Past. 

"  They  are  trying  to  Separate  us,"  said 
Alice,  with  her  Hand  on  her  Heart.  "  But 
Courage,  Sweetheart!  I  will  be  True." 

Gilbert  wrote  and  said  he  dared  not  come  to 
the  House,  for  fear  her  Father  would  take  a 
Shot  at  him,  but  if  she  loved  him,  to  put  a 
Lamp  in  the  Window  and  he  would  be  outside 
in  the  Rain,  waiting  to  learn  his  Fate.  It 
was  a  happy  Night  for  Alice. 
[181] 


'Reunited. 


GILBERT    AND    ALICE 

Next  day  she  told  her  Parents  that  unless 
they  permitted  her  to  marry  the  Man  of  her 
Heart,  she  would  abjure  the  World  and  enter 
a  Convent.  They  yielded  and  when  Gilbert 
returned  she  made  a  running  Leap  for  him  and 
gave  him  the  kind  of  Reception  that  he  had 
been  wanting  all  the  time. 

MORAL  :  A  Woman  never  Clings  until  some 
one  starts  to  Pull  in  the  Opposite  Direction. 


[133] 


The  Fable  of  Eugene  who  Walked  the 

Length  of  the  Counter  Before 

Making  His  Selection 


ONCE  there  was  a  Boy  named  Eu 
gene. 
About  the  time  that  he  shook  the 
Sailor  Collar  and  began  to  wear  Galluses  in 
stead  of  buttoning  them  to  the  Waist,  he  had 
his  first  Attack. 

He  went  off  his  Feed  and  moaned  in  his 
Sleep.  His  Mother,  not  suspecting  that  the 
Divine  Passion  could  find  room  to  operate  in  a 
90-Pounder,  thought  he  had  Cholera  Infan- 
tum.  She  began  to  shoot  the  Pain-Killer  into 
him  but  it  failed  to  touch  the  Spot. 

Little  Eugene  had  gone  Mushy  on  the  Lady 
who  taught  his  Sunday-School  Class.  She 
was  doing  her  35th  Lap  and  had  a  Husband 
who  led  the  Choir,  but  these  Trifles  did  not 
bother  the  Kid.  He  had  it  all  cribbed  up  to 
kill  the  Husband  in  a  Duel  and  carry  Loved 
One  off  to  a  lonely  Island  where  they  could  live 
Crusoe  Fashion.  He  used  to  send  Teacher  an 
[134] 


The  First  One. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

occasional  Card  showing  a  couple  of  fat  Pig 
eons  nestling  under  a  Mess  of  Spinach  and  also 
a  little  Couplet  to  the  Effect  that  as  sure  as 
the  Vine  grows  round  the  Stump  she  was  his 
little  Sugar  Lump.  He  picked  her  Currants 
for  her  and  wouldn't  take  Money  for  it  and 
he  loafed  around  the  Kitchen  when  she  was 
making  her  Apple  Butter  until  at  last  she  sent 
him  Home  with  a  little  Note  to  his  Maw,  advis 
ing  her  to  put  him  in  heavier  Flannels  and 
make  him  drink  Sassafras  Tea  each  Night. 

Eugene  pined  away  for  a  couple  of  Days 
and  then  transferred  his  Pollywog  Affections 
to  an  Old  Maid  who  stood  at  the  General  De 
livery  Window  at  the  Post-Office.  He  wrote 
for  Seed  Catalogues  and  Terms  to  Agents  so  as 
to  have  an  Excuse  to  speak  to  Angel.  She  up 
and  married  the  Station  Agent.  Eugene  had 
to  go  out  and  forget  his  Sorrow  in  Base-Ball 
and  Pull- Away. 

In  due  Time  he  went  to  a  Fresh-Water  Col 
lege  and  here  he  began  to  yearn  for  another 
Kind.  It  happened  that  he  went  out  Botan 
izing  with  a  slender  Co-Ed  who  wore  Nose- 
[  136  1 


EUGENE 

Glasses  and  had  an  Intellect  that  made  a  Noise 
like  a  Dynamo.  Frequently  they  did  their 
Algebra  together  and  he  wrote  Notes  to  her  in 
Latin  telling  her  that  she  was  All  Right. 

Along  about  this  time  his  Idea  of  Paradise 
come  down  to  Earth  was  to  own  a  snug  little 
Library  and  sit  in  it  every  Evening  reading 
aloud  to  a  tall-browed  Helpmeet.  He  wrote 
several  Essays  on  Women  and  sprung  them  on 
the  Pythagorean  Literary  Society.  He  said 
that  every  Maverick  who  was  cow-trailing 
around  over  the  Sand-Lots  of  this  dreary  Life 
had  an  Affinity  concealed  somewhere  in  the 
Brush  and  the  Game  was  to  hunt  her  up  and 
then  stick  to  her  like  Spalding's  Glue.  He  al 
lowed  that  the  real  Girline  Charms  did  not  de 
pend  upon  Frizzes  and  Make-Up.  Eugene 
was  strong  for  the  Beauty  of  Soul  which  would 
wear  for  Years  and  look  just  as  well  on  one 
Side  as  on  the  Other. 

When  he  graduated  he  was  keen  to  do  the 

Library  Act  with  the  cogitative  Co-Ed.    Upon 

searching  himself  he   found  that  his  Assets 

consisted  of  a  hand-worked  Diploma,  a  few 

[137] 


College  Dream. 


EUGENE 

Dance  Programmes  and  a  Badge  of  the  Oota 
Bazoota  Frat.  He  decided  to  cut  out  the 
Private  Reading  Circle  until  he  could  see  his 
Way  clear  to  get  enough  to  pay  for  the  Li 
cense. 

Having  settled  in  the  City  he  gave  a  busy 
Imitation  of  a  Bright  Young  Fellow  who  is 
trying  to  side-step  the  Potter's  Field.  At  the 
Boarding  House  where  he  coaled  there  was  a 
Head  Waitress  who  carried  a  Remarkable 
Shape  for  one  who  had  to  be  on  her  Feet  all 
day.  She  never  had  been  beyond  the  3rd 
Grade  in  the  Grammar  School  but  when  they 
had  Chicken  she  always  slipped  Gene  the  Sec 
ond  Joint  and  she  had  his  Paper  propped  up 
for  him  when  he  came  to  Breakfast.  He  gave 
her  several  long  Rides  on  the  Cars  and  there 
might  have  been  something  doing  if  Eugene 
had  not  had  his  Salary  whooped.  He  moved 
into  a  first-class,  pruneless  Family  Hotel  and 
got  into  the  Habit  of  carrying  Money  in  his 
Clothes.  In  the  meantime  the  Co-Ed  was  off 
in  Minnesota  somewhere,  teaching  School. 

Around  the  Hotel  there  were  all  Kinds  and 
[139] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Eugene,  who  was  now  30  and  had  mislaid  his 
Diploma,  found  that  he  no  longer  had  an  un 
controllable  Desire  to  buckle  up  with  those 
who  wore  Specs  and  could  tear  the  lining  out 
of  Synthetic  Philosophy. 

When  he  ambled  around  after  Dinner  he 
had  his  Port  Eye  out  for  a  larksome  Looloo 
who  would  pin  Flowers  on  him  and  tease  him  to 
take  her  to  a  Lively  Show.  He  began  to  buy 
Jack  Roses  for  all  who  were  under  22.  He 
framed  his  Dresser  with  Carbon  Photos  of 
Mazies  and  Lilians  and  Madges.  One  of  the 
upper  Drawers  smelled  like  the  front  part  of 
a  Drug  Store  and  was  filled  with  Square  En 
velopes  addressed  in  the  scraggly,  dislocated 
Writing  that  looks  like  a  Profile  Drawing  of 
the  Sierra  Nevadas. 

Eugene  was  now  too  Busy  to  think  of  Mat 
rimony.  He  had  eight  or  nine  on  his  Books  at 
one  time  and  the  main  Joy  of  his  Life  was  to 
burn  up  his  Income  in  such  a  way  that  it  would 
give  a  fleeting  Hour  of  Happiness  to  a  dimpled 
Bud  weighing  anywhere  from  85  to  115 
Pounds. 

[140] 


EUGENE 

The  Library  which  he  had  planned  in  the 
Cloisters  of  Learning  consisted  of  a  Date-Book 
and  a  Volume  telling  how  to  cook  Things  in  a 
Chafing-Dish. 

By  and  by  it  came  about  that  Eugene  had 
a  thin  Spot  on  top  of  his  Head.  The  little 
Snips  who  hopped  out  of  the  Nursery  into 
Sassiety  every  Fall  started  in  to  call  him 
Papa  and  Nunky.  He  began  to  count  the 
Years  and  decided  that  he  was  due  to  take  the 
High  Jump. 

But  he  did  not  choose  any  Lady  who  taught 
in  the  Sunday  School.  Neither  did  he  swing 
on  any  Old  Maid  at  the  General  Delivery.  His 
Heart  did  not  hone  and  hanker  for  any  Female 
Emerson  or  any  stately  and  superior  Head 
Waitress.  Even  the  Society  Queen  who  had 
been  worked  out  for  a  couple  of  Seasons  did 
not  appeal  to  Eugene.  He  put  his  Tag  on 
a  blonde  Canary  17  Years  of  Age  who  spelled 
Sure  with  an  H  and  had  from  7  to  9  Thoughts 
every  24  Hours.  But  she  was  very  Easy  to 
Look  at.  And  the  only  call  that  he  made  on 
[141] 


The  Finish. 


EUGENE 

her  Intellect  was  to  please  regard  him  as  The 
Works. 

MORAL  :  The  only  Cinch  Method  of  avoid 
ing  Misplays  is  to  wait  until  one  knows  his 
Mind. 


[143] 


The  Fable  of  the  Reckless   Wife  who 
had  no  One  to   Watch  Her 


A  YOUNG  Couple  sat  and  looked  de 
vouringly  at  each  other  for  the  first 
six  months  of  the  Life  Sentence  and 
finally  it  became  rather  trying  on  the  Eyes. 
Therefore  he  was  glad  to  be  called  away  for  a 
couple  of  Days.  It  was  his  first  Vacation 
since  leasing  the  Flat,  and  he  sent  word  to 
some  of  his  former  Running  Mates  to  meet  him 
at  the  Train,  as  he  could  transact  his  Business 
in  about  20  Minutes,  after  which  he  would  re 
move  his  Bridle  and  begin  to  burn  Holes  in  the 
Track. 

They  knew  just  what  would  appeal  to  a 
quiet  Home  Body,  400  miles  from  his  own 
Fireside.  They  took  him  in  Tow  and  gave 
him  a  Square  Meal  every  Hour.  Then  they 
stood  him  under  a  Shower  Bath  and  turned 
the  whole  Wine  Card  on  him.  He  played  Golf 
Pool  until  he  was  chalked  all  over  and  then 
he  played  Poker  until  he  had  to  feel  to  see  if 
the  Ante  was  there.  The  Clerk  at  the  Hotel 
[144] 


Young  Couple. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

saw  him  twice — once  when  he  Registered  and 
once  when  he  came  to  get  his  Baggage.  He 
fell  into  a  Sleeper  and  told  the  Porter  to  make 
up  Berths  until  ordered  to  stop.  In  the  morn 
ing  when  he  awoke  with  a  Head  of  Seven 
Gables  and  reached  for  his  Bromo,  he  realized 
that  he  had  Enjoyed  himself. 

While  he  was  away,  working  a  combine  of 
Business  and  Recreation,  the  Wife  went  on  a 
regular  Lark.  She  called  in  a  former  Chum 
and  they  sallied  out  in  their  Circus  Gowns 
and  ordered  up  Pine  Apple  Soda  regardless 
and  took  in  a  Matinee  where  the  Leading  Man 
looked  right  at  them  occasionally  and  then 
they  ate  Marshmallows  all  the  way  Home. 
They  put  on  Old  Wrappers  and  cooked  some 
thing  in  a  Chafing-Dish,  and  the  Wife 
brought  out  some  of  her  Preserved  Letters 
and  read  them  and  then  they  turned  in  to 
gether  and  giggled  half  the  Night. 

But,  fortunately,  the  Husband  never  found 
out  how  she  had  carried  on. 

MORAL  :  The  Reaction  is  something  Terri 
ble. 

[146] 


The  Fable  of  the   Cut-up  who   Came 

very  Near  Losing  His  Ticket, 

but  who  Turned  Defeat 

into  Victory 


IN  a  Prairie  Hamlet,  far  from  the  mad 
ding  Department  Store,  where  arrogant 
Wealth  did  not  flaunt  itself  before  the 
Humble,  and  where  the  People  were  so  Prim 
itive  that  they  did  not  know  how  to  get  Money 
except  by  Working  for  it,  they  were  making 
large  Preparations  to  tear  Things  wide  open 
at  Christmas. 

All  through  the  abbreviated  Community, 
the  Women  Folks  were  feverishly  popping 
Corn,  and  cracking  Hickory  -Nuts  on  a  Flat- 
iron  and  making  home-made  Candy.  The 
Unmarried  Kind  were  secretively  working  on 
Yarn  Mittens. 

There  was  to  be  a  Tree  at  the  Church  and 

preceding  the  Distribution  of  Presents  there 

was  to  be  a  Show,  alias  a  Methodist  Vaudeville, 

which  consists  of  Pieces,  Responsive  Readings 

[147] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

and  the  best  that  the  Choir  can  do.  The 
Druggist  in  this  Village  had  laid  in  what  he 
called  an  Elegant  Assortment  of  Holiday 
Goods.  He  had  all  of  Will  Carleton's  Poems 
and  a  Counter  covered  with  fragile  Toys  that 
smelled  of  the  Paint,  also  an  attractive  Line  of 
Perfumeries  and  some  Toilet  Sets.  One  of 
these  Toilet  Sets  was  the  Prize  Exhibit.  The 
Comb  and  Brushes  were  of  Celluloid,  the  Am 
ber  and  White  being  scrambled  in  a  very  ef 
fective  Manner.  The  Druggist  was  willing 
to  give  a  Guarantee  that  the  Bristles  were  Real. 
This  Toilet  Set  reposed  in  a  puckered  Nest  of 
Yellow  Satin.  The  Box  was  of  Blue  Plush 
with  a  neat  Clasp  and  on  the  Lid  was  the  Fol 
lowing,  in  Silver  Letters :  "  Merry  X-Mas." 

Every  Girl  in  Town  came  into  the  Drug 
Store  and  leaned  on  the  Show-Case  and  gazed 
longingly  at  the  Work  of  Art.  It  was  evi 
dent  that  the  local  Beau  who  loosened  up  for 
$6.50  would  win  in  a  Canter.  But  there  was 
general  Doubt  as  to  whether  any  one  would  be 
so  Reckless  as  to  fork  over  $6.50,  just  for 
Foolishness.  All  who  went  into  the  Drug 
[148] 


The  Work  of  Art. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Store  and  Stood  in  Solemn  Silence,  admiring 
the  Blue  Plush,  the  Yellow  Satin  and  the 
gleaming  Celluloid,  conceded  that  the  Outfit 
was  Purty,  but  they  allowed  it  was  too  Fine  for 
Actual  Use.  It  was  supposed  that  the  Box 
alone  would  come  to  $3.  Some  said  the  Let 
ters  on  the  Lid  were  genuine.  Silver.  Others 
contended  that  they  were  merely  Plated. 

In  every  Household  the  Toilet  Set  was  a 
fruitful  Topic.  The  general  Verdict  ap 
peared  to  be  that,  in  all  probability,  the  Drug 
gist  would  either  have  to  knock  off  something 
on  the  Price  or  else  be  Stuck.  There  had  been 
one  or  two  Offers  of  $5  for  the  Piece  de  Re 
sistance^  but  the  Druggist  claimed  that  he 
had  paid  more  than  that  for  it,  Wholesale. 

Three  Days  before  Christmas  there  ap 
peared  on  the  Yellow  Satin  a  Card  marked 
"  Sold."  The  News  spread  like  Wild-Fire 
that  some  one  had  blown  himself  to  the  Limit. 
There  was  but  one  Question  agitating  the 
whole  Village  for  the  next  two  Days.  "  Who 
will  get  the  Toilet  Set  for  Christmas?" 
Speculation  ran  rife  and  every  Girl  who  kept 
[150] 


TURNING  DEFEAT  INTO  VICTORY 

Company  was  hoping  against  Hope,  even 
though  her  cold  Judgment  told  her  that,  in 
all  likelihood,  her  Fellow  had  not  seen  $6.50 
in  six  long  Months. 

The  Druggist  had  been  pledged  to  Secrecy 
and  it  became  evident  that  the  Populace  would 
have  to  wait  until  Christmas  to  have  its  Curios 
ity  appeased.  So  it  waited  with  a  lot  of  Im 
patience. 

The  Village  Wag,  whose  name  was  Amos, 
had  been  one  of  Several  who  looked  at  the  Toi 
let  Set  and  counted  their  Money  and  passed 
out.  He  loved  a  Girl  named  Luella,  but  he 
had  a  Frugal  Mind.  It  seemed  to  him  that  it 
would  be  more  Sensible  to  save  his  Money  and 
make  a  First  Payment  on  a  Home.  Besides, 
the  Poultry  Business  had  been  a  little  Slack 
and  he  couldn't  see  himself  giving  up  $6.50 
for  a  dosh-burned  Gimcrack  that  was  no  Ac 
count  except  to  look  at.  So  he  gave  up  60. 
Cents  for  an  Autograph  Album  and  let  it  go 
at  that.  He  would  have  gone  ahead  and 
bought  something  for  a  Dollar,  only  Amos 
thought  he  had  a  Cinch.  His  only  Rival  for 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

the  Hand  of  Luella  was  Tallmadge  N.  Crock 
ett,  proprietor  of  the  Livery  and  Feed  Stable. 
Amos  was  so  much  more  Comic  and  Conversa 
tional  than  Tallmadge  and  had  such  a  Taking 
Way  that  he  wasn't  for  a  Minute  afraid  of 
being  Cut  Out  by  Tallmadge. 

Being  the  recognized  Village  Wag,  Amos 
was  called  upon  to  impersonate  Santa  Claus 
at  the  Christmas  Tree  Entertainment.  Amos 
was  a  born  Romp,  and  the  Congregation  was 
sure  of  many  a  Hearty  Laugh  when  he  came  in 
as  Santy  and  began  to  cut  Didoes. 

Amos  borrowed  a  Buffalo  Robe,  a  Strand  of 
Bells  and  a  Fur  Cap.  He  rigged  up  a  Set  of 
Cotton  Whiskers  and  prepared  to  be  even 
Funnier  than  usual. 

On  Christmas  Eve  the  Church  put  them  in 
the  Aisles,  so  great  was  the  Interest  in  the 
Tree.  The  Superintendent  of  the  Sunday 
School,  looking  unusually  pale  and  scrubbed- 
up  and  smelling  of  Bay  Rum,  stood  up  in  front 
of  the  Tree  and  made  an  Address  that  was 
Facetious,  from  his  Point  of  View.  The  Choir 
sang  one  of  its  hardest  Anthems  and  after  two 
[  1*8  ] 


The  Superintendent. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

or  three  other  Inflictions,  Amos,  the  Merry  An 
drew,  came  in  as  Santa  Claus  and  did  some  of 
his  best  Comedy  Acting.  He  galloped  up  and 
down  the  Aisles  and  scared  several  Children  in 
Arms  into  Convulsions.  Then  he  went  up  to 
the  Tree  to  assist  the  droll  Superintendent  in 
distributing  Presents.  As  a  Team  they  were 
expected  to  spring  a  great  many  timely  Quips, 
right  on  the  Spur  of  the  Moment. 

While  standing  by  the  Tree,  waiting  for  the 
Infant  Class  to  conclude  a  Carol,  Amos  saw 
on  a  Table  the  magnificent  Toilet  Set,  with  the 
$6.50  Mark  still  on  it.  He  drew  nearer  to 
read  the  attached  Card  and  almost  fainted  with 
Horror  when  he  saw  the  Name  of  Luella  in 
the  well-known  Hand-Writing  of  Tallmadge 
N.  Crockett.  The  Shock  was  so  great  that 
everything  Swam  before  his  Gaze,  the  same  as 
in  a  Natatorium.  He  could  not  see  anything 
except  his  own  Finish.  When  Luella  came  to 
compare  the  superb  Toilet  Set  and  the  60-cent 
Autograph  Album,  he  knew  that  he  would  not 
be  One-Two-Seven.  He  was  inspired  to  a  Des 
perate  Action.  He  happened  to  remember  that 
[154] 


TURNING    DEFEAT    INTO    VICTORY 

Celluloid  contains  Gun  Cotton  and  Camphor 
and  other  high  Explosives.  The  Infant  Class 
stood  between  him  and  the  Congregation. 
Stealthily  he  plucked  a  lighted  Candle  from 
the  Tree  and  dropped  it  on  the  Toilet  Set. 
Then  he  leaped  over  the  Rail.  There  was 
a  terrific  Report,  a  flash  of  Fire,  an 
odor  of  Camphor  and  the  Air  was  full  of  In 
fant  Class.  A  Panic  ensued.  Throwing  off 
his  Disguise  of  White  Cotton  Whiskers,  Amos 
gathered  Luella  in  his  Arms  and  carried  her  to 
a  Place  of  Safety.  She  called  him  "  Pre 
server  "  and  refused  to  let  go  of  him.  When 
Quiet  was  restored,  there  was  nothing  left  of 
the  Toilet  Set  except  the  Clasp  and  the  letters 
spelling  "  Merry  X-Mas." 

MORAL  :    True  Love  wrill  prevail  against  the 
Vulgar  Bank  Roll,  even  at  Christmas-Time. 


[  155  ] 


The   Fable   of  the   Shower   of  Blows 
that  Came  Down  on  Paw 


TILLIE  had  been  away  for  Three 
Months  attending  Madame  Skagiac's 
School  for  teaching  Young  Ladies 
how  to  wither  their  Parents.  She  came  home 
with  a  tan-colored  Automobile  and  a  good  deal 
of  Hat,  looking  as  flip  as  a  real  Actress.  The 
antique  Hay-Maker  who  had  been  sending  the 
Money  greeted  her  with  Open  Arms. 

"  Gal,  I'm  tarnation  tickled  to  see  you  Hum 
again,"  he  said.  "  How  be  ye?  " 

"  Oh,  Papa  !  "  she  exclaimed,  turning 
deathly  Pale.  "  You  have  no  Collar  or  Cra 
vat  and  you  are  addressing  me  while  in  your 
Shirt  Sleeves.  Your  Hair  is  parted  on  the 
wrong  side.  Your  Vest  is  three  years  to  the 
way-back,  and  to  look  at  the  Bag  in  your 
Trousers  one  would  think  that  you  were  get 
ting  ready  to  make  a  Jump.  You  ought  to 
wear  Link  Cuffs  instead  of  the  kind  you  have 
on,  and,  for  mercy  goodness  sake,  get  yourself 
a  pair  of  Button  Shoes  instead  of  those  Scows. 
[156] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

And  if  you  expect  to  meet  any  of  my  Friends 
who  are  coming  to  see  me  during  the  Holidays, 
you  will  have  to  ring  a  few  Changes  on  your 
Grammar,  Pronunciation  and  Accent.  When 
you  saw  me  just  now,  you  should  have  said, 
'  Matilde,  I  am  indeed  delighted  to  welcome 
you  Home.  I  trust  that  you  are  enjoying 
good  Health.'  Brace  up,  Papa,  Your  Exe 
cution  is  very  Lumpy." 

"  Matilde !  "  he  repeated.     "  Matilde !  " 
She   had   buncoed   the   Family   Bible   and 
brought  home  a  new  Name. 

MORAL:    The  Change  may  be  effected  in 
from  six  to  nine  Weeks. 


[158] 


The  Fable  of  how  one  Brave  Patsy 
Worked  Himself  into  the  King-Row 


A  YOUNG  Man  who  was  Jimming 
around  in  Society  learned  that  among 
the  Women  of  his  Acquaintance  the 
Olive  stuffed  with  Red  Peppers  was  more  popu 
lar  than  the  Gum-Drop.  Up  to  that  time  he 
had  been  dealing  in  Gum-Drops.  He  had 
worked  along  on  the  Theory  that  my  Lady 
Isabelle  hankered  for  nothing  but  sugar- 
coated  Compliments.  All  the  other  Young 
Fellows  followed  the  same  Method.  If  their 
Conversation  had  been  set  to  Music,  they  could 
have  done  it  as  a  Chorus. 

He  broke  away  and  played  the  Candid 
Friend  game.  He  told  their  Fortunes  and 
showed  up  their  Defects.  Instead  of  praising 
the  Costume  of  a  Lady  Friend,  he  would  tell 
her,  on  the  Q.  T.,  that  some  other  Color  was 
more  becoming.  He  would  deliberately  pick 
a  Quarrel  so  as  to  have  a  warm  little  Tiff  and  a 
Reconciliation.  They  began  to  be  afraid  of 
him  and  they  paid  more  Attention  to  him. 
[159] 


Candid  Friend. 


THE    BRAVE    PATSY 

When  he  did  yield  a  Point  and  bestow  a  Smile 
of  Praise,  the  Lady  knew  it  was  Sincere.  In 
the  meantime  all  the  Boys  in  the  Second  Di 
vision  could  not  understand  why  the  Women 
took  such  an  Interest  in  the  Professional  Cynic. 
They  never  seemed  to  grasp  the  Fact  that  the 
Olive  stuffed  with  Red  Peppers  is  an  Antidote 
for  Gum  Drops. 

MORAL:    Even  Sincerity  becomes  monoto 
nous  when  made  a  regular  Diet. 


[161] 


The  Fable  of  Lutie,  the  False  Alarm, 

and  How  She  Finished  About  the 

Time  that  She  Started 


LUTIE    was    an    Only    Child.     When 
Lutie  was  eighteen  her  Mother  said 
they  ought  to  do  something  with  Lu- 
tie's  Voice.     The  Neighbors  thought  so,  too. 
Some  recommended  killing  the  Nerve.    Others 
allowed  that  it  ought  to  be  Pulled. 

But  what  Mamma  meant  was  that  Lutie 
ought  to  have  it  cultivated  by  a  Professor. 
She  suspected  that  Lutie  had  a  Career  await 
ing  her,  and  would  travel  with  an  Elocu 
tionist  some  day  and  have  her  Picture  on  the 
Programme. 

Lutie's  Father  did  not  warm  up  to  the 
Suggestion.  He  was  rather  Near  when  it 
came  to  frivoling  away  the  National  Bank 
Lithographs.  But  pshaw!  The  Astute 
Reader  knows  what  happens  in  a  Family 
when  Mother  and  the  Only  Child  put  their 
Heads  together  to  whipsaw  the  Producer. 
[162] 


Lutle. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

One  day  they  shouldered  him  into  a  Corner 
and  extorted  a  Promise.  Next  Day  Lutie 
started  to  Take. 

She  bought  a  red  leather  Cylinder  marked 
"  Music,"  so  that  people  would  not  take  it 
to  be  Lunch.  Every  morning  about  9  o'clock 
she  would  wave  the  Housework  to  one  side 
and  tear  for  a  Trolley.  Her  Lessons  cost  the 
Family  about  twenty  cents  a  Minute.  She 
took  them  ^n  a  large  Building  full  of  Vocal 
Studios.  People  who  didn't  know  used  to 
stop  in  front  of  the  Place  and  listen,  and 
think  it  was  a  Surgical  Institute. 

There  were  enough  Soprani  in  this  one 
Plant  to  keep  Maurice  Grau  stocked  up  for 
a  Hundred  Years.  Every  One  thought  she 
was  the  Particular  One  who  would  sooner  or 
later  send  Melba  back  to  Australia  and  drive 
Sembrich  into  the  Continuous.  Lutie  was 
just  about  as  Nifty  as  the  Next  One. 

When   she  was   at  Home   she  would   suck 

Lemons   and   complain   about  Draughts  and 

tell    why    she    didn't    like    the    Other   Girls' 

Voices.     She  began  to  act  like  a  Prima  Don- 

[164] 


JLUTIE,  THE  FALSE  ALARM 

na,  and  her  Mother  was  encouraged  a  Lot. 
Lutie  certainly  had  the  Artistic  Tempera 
ment  bigger  than  a  Church  Debt. 

Now  before  Lutie  started  in  to  do  Things 
to  her  Voice  she  occasionally  Held  Hands 
with  a  Young  Man  in  the  Insurance  Business, 
named  Oliver.  This  Young  Man  thought 
that  Lutie  was  all  the  Merchandise,  and  she 
regarded  him  as  Permanent  Car-Fare. 

But  when  Lutie  began  to  hang  out  at  the 
Studios  she  took  up  with  the  Musical  Set 
that  couldn't  talk  about  anything  but  Tech 
nique  and  Shading  and  the  Motif  and  the 
Vibrato.  She  began  to  fill  up  the  Parlor 
with  her  new  Friends,  and  the  first  thing 
Oliver  knew  he  was  in  the  Side  Pocket  and 
out  of  the  Game. 

In  his  own  Line  this  Oliver  was  as  neat  and 
easy-running  as  a  Red  Buggy,  but  when  you 
started  him  on  the  topic  of  Music  he  was 
about  as  light  and  speedy  as  a  Steam  Roller. 
Ordinarily  he  knew  how  to  behave  himself  in 
a  Flat,  and  with  a  good  Feeder  to  work  back 
at  him  he  could  talk  about  Shows  and  Foot- 
[165] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Ball  Games  and  Things  to  Eat,  but  when 
any  one  tried  to  draw  him  out  on  the  Classics, 
he  was  unable  to  Qualify.  In  short,  he  was 
a  Crab. 

When  Lutie  and  her  Musical  Acquaint 
ances  told  about  Shopan  and  Batoven  he 
would  sit  back  so  quiet  that  often  he  got 
numb  below  the  Hips.  He  was  afraid  to 
move  his  Feet  for  fear  some  one  would  notice 
he  was  still  in  the  Parlor  and  ask  him  how 
he  liked  Fugue  No.  11,  by  Bock.  He  had 
never  heard  of  any  of  these  People,  because 
they  did  not  carry  Tontine  Policies  with  his 
Company. 

Oliver  saw  that  he  would  have  to  scratch 
the  Musical  Set  or  else  begin  to  Read  Up, 
so  he  changed  his  Route.  He  cancelled  all 
Time  with  Lutie,  and  made  other  Bookings. 

Lutie  then  selected  for  her  Steady  a  Young 
Man  with  Hair  who  played  the  'Cello.  He 
was  so  wrapped  up  in  his  Art  that  he  acted 
Dopey  most  of  the  time,  and  often  forgot 
to  send  out  the  Laundry  so  as  to  get  it  back 
the  same  Week.  Furthermore  he  didn't  fly 
[166] 


LUTIE,  THE  FALSE  ALARM 

to  the  Suds  any  too  often.  He  never  saw 
more  than  $3  at  one  time ;  but  when  he  snug 
gled  up  alongside  of  a  'Cello  and  began  to 
tease  the  long,  sad  Notes  out  of  it,  you  could 
tell  that  he  had  a  Soul  for  Music.  Lutie 
thought  he  was  Great,  but  what  Lutie's 
Father  thought  of  him  could  never  get  past 
the  Censor.  Lutie's  Father  regarded  the 
whole  Musical  Set  as  a  Fuzzy  Bunch.  He 
began  to  think  that  in  making  any  Outlay 
for  Lutie's  Vocal  Training  he  had  bought  a 
Gold  Brick.  When  he  first  consented  to  her 
taking  Lessons  his  Belief  had  been  that  after 
she  had  practiced  for  about  one  Term  she 
would  be  able  to  sit  up  to  the  Instrument 
along  in  the  Dusk  before  the  Lamps  were  lit, 
and  sing  "  When  the  Corn  is  Waving,  Annie 
Dear,"  "  One  Sweetly  Solemn  Thought,"  or 
else  "  Juanita."  These  were  the  Songs  linked 
in  his  Memory  with  some  Purple  Evenings 
of  the  Happy  Long  Ago.  He  knew  they 
were  Chestnuts,  and  had  been  called  in,  but 
they  suited  him,  and  he  thought  that  inas 
much  as  he  had  put  up  the  Wherewith  for 
[167] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Lutie's  Lessons  he  ought  to  have  some  kind 
of  a  Small  Run  for  his  Money. 

Would  Lutie  sing  such  Trash?  Not  she. 
She  was  looking  for  Difficult  Arias  from  the 
Italian,  and  she  found  many  a  one  that  was 
Difficult  to  sing,  and  probably  a  little  more 
Difficult  to  Listen  To. 

The  Voice  began  to  be  Erratic,  also. 
When  Father  wanted  to  sit  by  the  Student's 
Lamp  and  read  his  Scribner's,  she  would  de 
cide  to  hammer  the  Piano  and  do  the  whole 
Repertoire. 

But  when  Mother  had  Callers  and  wanted 
Lutie  to  Show  Off,  then  she  would  hang 
back  and  have  to  be  Coaxed.  If  she  didn't 
have  a  Sore  Throat,  then  the  Piano  was  out 
of  Tune,  or  else  she  had  left  all  of  her  Good 
Music  at  the  Studio,  or  maybe  she  just 
couldn't  Sing  without  some  one  to  Accom 
pany  her.  But  after  they  had  Pleaded  hard 
enough,  and  everybody  was  Embarrassed  and 
sorry  they  had  come,  she  would  approach  the 
Piano  timidly  and  sort  of  Trifle  with  it  for 
awhile,  and  say  they  would  have  to  make 
[168] 


LUTIE,  THE  FALSE  ALARM 

Allowances,  and  then  she  would  Cut  Loose 
and  worry  the  whole  Block.  The  Company 
would  sit  there,  every  one  showing  the  Par 
lor  Face  and  pretending  to  be  entranced, 
and  after  she  got  through  they  would  Come 
To  and  tell  how  Good  she  was. 

She  made  so  many  of  these  Parlor  Tri 
umphs  that  there  was  no  Holding  her.  She 
had  herself  Billed  as  a  Nightingale.  Often 
she  went  to  Soirees  and  Club  Entertainments, 
volunteering  her  Services,  and  nowhere  did 
she  meet  a  Well- Wisher  who  took  her  aside 
and  told  her  she  was  a  Shine — in  fact,  the 
Champion  Pest. 

No,  Lutie  never  got  out  of  her  Dream 
until  she  made  a  bold  Sashay  with  a  Concert 
Company.  It  was  her  Professional  Debut. 

Father  fixed  it.  The  Idea  of  any  one 
paying  Real  Money  to  hear  Lutie  sing  struck 
him  as  being  almost  Good  enough  to  Print. 
But  she  wouldn't  be  Happy  until  she  got  it, 
and  so  she  Got  It  right  where  the  Newport 
Lady  wears  the  Rope  of  Pearls. 

On  the  First  Night  the  mean  old  Critics, 
[169] 


Critic. 


LUTIE,  THE  FALSE  ALARM 

who  didn't  know  her  Father  or  Mother,  and 
had  never  been  entertained  at  the  House, 
came  and  got  in  the  Front  Row,  and  defied 
Lutie  to  come  on  and  Make  Good.  Next 
Morning  they  said  that  Lutie  had  Blow- 
Holes  in  her  Voice ;  that  she  hit  the  Key  only 
once  during  the  Evening,  and  then  fell  off 
backward;  that  she  was  a  Ham,  and  her 
Dress  didn't  fit  her,  and  she  lacked  Stage 
Presence.  They  expressed  Surprise  that  she 
should  be  attempting  to  Sing  when  any 
bright  Girl  could  learn  to  pound  a  Type- 
Writer  in  Four  Weeks.  They  wanted  to 
know  who  was  responsible  for  her  Appear 
ance,  and  said  it  was  a  Shame  to  String  these 
Jay  Amateurs.  Lutie  read  the  Criticisms, 
and  went  into  Nervous  Collapse.  Her 
Mother  was  all  Wrought  Up,  and  said  some 
body  ought  to  go  and  kill  the  Editors. 
Father  bore  up  grimly. 

Before  Lutie  was  Convalescent  he  had  the 

Difficult  Italian  Arias  carted  out  of  the  house. 

The  'Cello  Player  came  to  call  one  Day,  and 

he  was  given  Minutes  to  get  out  of  the  Ward. 

[171] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

By  the  time  Oliver  looked  in  again  Lutie 
was  more  than  ready  to  pay  some  Attention 
to  him.  She  is  now  doing  a  few  quiet  Vo 
calizations  for  her  Friends.  When  some  one 
who  hasn't  Heard  tells  her  she  is  good  enough 
for  Opera,  they  have  to  open  the  Windows 
and  give  her  more  Air. 

MORAL:  When  in  Doubt,  try  it  on  the 
Box-Office. 


[172] 


The  Fable  of  the  Two  Mandolin 

Players  and  the  Willing 

Performer 


A  VERY    attractive    Debutante    knew 
two     Young     Men     who     called    on 
her    every    Thursday    Evening,    and 
brought  their  Mandolins  along.     They  would 
double  over  and  tickle  the  Instruments  nearly 
to  Death  and  then  she  would  say  that  she 
loved  Music. 

One  was  named  Fred  and  the  other  was 
Eustace. 

The  Mothers  of  the  Neighborhood  often 
remarked,  "  What  Perfect  Manners  Fred  and 
Eustace  have  !  "  It  may  be  added,  on  the 
Side,  that  Fred  and  Eustace  were  more  pop 
ular  with  the  Mothers  than  they  were  with 
the  Younger  Set,  although  no  one  could  say 
a  Word  against  either  of  them.  Only  it  was 
rumored  in  Keen  Society  that  they  didn't 
Belong.  The  Fact  that  they  went  Calling 
in  a  Crowd,  and  took  their  Mandolins  along, 
may  give  the  Acute  Reader  some  idea  of  the 
[173] 


Fred  and  Eustace. 


THE  TWO  MANDOLIN  PLAYERS 

Life  that  Fred  and  Eustace  held  out  to  the 
Young  Women  of  their  Acquaintance. 

The  Debutante's  name  was  Myrtle.  Her 
Parents  were  very  Watchful,  and  did  not 
encourage  her  to  receive  Callers,  except  such 
as  were  known  to  be  Exemplary  Young  Men. 
Fred  and  Eustace  were  a  few  of  those  who 
escaped  the  Black  List.  Myrtle  always  ap 
peared  to  be  glad  to  see  them,  and  they  re 
garded  her  as  a  Terrible  Swell  Girl. 

Fred's  Cousin  came  from  St.  Paul  on  a 
Visit;  and  one  Day,  in  the  Street,  he  saw 
Myrtle,  and  noticed  that  Fred  tipped  his 
Hat,  and  gave  her  a  Stage  Smile. 

"Oh,  Queen  of  Sheba!"  exclaimed  the 
Cousin  from  St.  Paul,  whose  name  was  Gus, 
as  he  stood  stock  still  and  watched  her  Shep 
herd's  Plaid  disappear  around  a  Corner. 
"  She's  a  Bird.  Do  you  know  her  well?  " 

"  I  know  her  Quite  Well,"  replied  Fred, 
coldly.  "  She  is  a  Charming  Girl." 

"  She  is  all  of  that.     You're  a  great  De- 
scriber.    And  now  what  Night  are  you  going 
to  take  me  around  to  Call  on  her?  " 
[175] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Fred  very  naturally  Hemmed  and  Hawed. 
It  must  be  remembered  that  Myrtle  was  a 
member  of  an  Excellent  Family,  and  had 
been  schooled  in  the  Proprieties,  and  it  was 
not  to  be  supposed  that  she  would  crave  the 
Society  of  slangy  old  Gus,  who  had  an 
Abounding  Nerve,  and  furthermore  was  as 
Fresh  as  the  Mountain  Air. 

He  was  the  Kind  of  Fellow  who  would  see 
a  Girl  twice,  and  then,  upon  meeting  her  the 
Third  Time,  he  would  go  up  and  straighten 
her  Cravat  for  her,  and  call  her  by  her  First 
Name. 

Put  him  into  a  Strange  Company — en 
route  to  a  Picnic — and  by  the  time  the  Bas 
kets  were  unpacked  he  would  have  a  Blonde 
all  to  himself,  and  she  would  have  traded  her 
Fan  for  his  College  Pin. 

If  a  Fair-Looker  on  the  Street  happened 
to  glance  at  him  Hard  he  would  run  up  and 
seize  her  by  the  Hand,  and  convince  her  that 
they  had  Met.  And  he  always  Got  Away 
with  it,  too. 

In  a  Department  Store,  while  waiting  for 
[176] 


THE  TWO  MANDOLIN  PLAYERS 

the  Cash  Boy  to  come  back  with  the  Change, 
he  would  find  out  the  Girl's  Name,  her  Fa 
vorite  Flower,  and  where  a  Letter  would 
reach  her. 

Upon  entering  a  Parlor  Car  at  St.  Paul, 
he  would  select  a  Chair  next  to  the  Most 
Promising  One  in  Sight,  and  ask  her  if  she 
cared  to  have  the  Shade  lowered. 

Before  the  Train  cleared  the  Yards  he 
would  have  the  Porter  bringing  a  Foot  Stool 
for  the  Lady. 

At  Hastings  he  would  be  asking  her  if  she 
wanted  Something  to  Read. 

At  Red  Wing  he  would  be  telling  her  that 
she  resembled  Maxine  Elliott,  and  showing 
her  his  Watch,  left  to  him  by  his  Grand 
father,  a  Prominent  Virginian. 

At  La  Crosse  he  would  be  reading  the 
Menu  Card  to  her,  and  telling  her  how  dif 
ferent  it  is  when  you  have  Some  One  to  join 
you  in  a  Bite. 

At  Milwaukee  he  would  go  out  and  buy  a 
Bouquet  for  her,  and  when  they  rode  into 
Chicago  they  would  be  looking  out  of  the 
[177] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

same  Window,  and  he  would  be  arranging 
for  her  Baggage  with  the  Transfer  Man. 
After  that  they  would  be  Old  Friends. 

Now  Fred  and  Eustace  had  been  at  School 
with  Gus,  and  they  had  seen  his  Work,  and 
they  were  not  disposed  to  Introduce  him  into 
One  of  the  most  Exclusive  Homes  in  the  City. 

They  had  known  Myrtle  for  many  Years ; 
but  they  did  not  dare  to  Address  her  by  her 
First  Name,  and  they  were  Positive  that  if 
Gus  attempted  any  of  his  usual  Tactics  with 
her  she  would  be  Offended;  and,  naturally 
enough,  they  would  be  Blamed  for  bringing 
him  to  the  House. 

But  Gus  insisted.  He  said  he  had  seen 
Myrtle,  and  she  Suited  him  from  the  Ground 
up,  and  he  proposed  to  have  Friendly  Doings 
with  her.  At  last  they  told  him  they  would 
take  him  if  he  promised  to  Behave.  Fred 
warned  him  that  Myrtle  would  frown  down 
any  Attempt  to  be  Familiar  on  Short  Ac 
quaintance,  and  Eustace  said  that  as  long  as 
he  had  known  Myrtle  he  had  never  Presumed 
to  be  Free  and  Forward  with  her.  He  had 
[178] 


THE  TWO  MANDOLIN  PLAYERS 

simply  played  the  Mandolin.  That  was  as 
Far  Along  as  he  had  ever  got. 

Gus  told  them  not  to  Worry  about  him. 
All  he  asked  was  a  Start.  He  said  he  was 
a  Willing  Performer,  but  as  yet  he  had  never 
been  Disqualified  for  Crowding.  Fred  and 
Eustace  took  this  to  mean  that  he  would  not 
Overplay  his  Attentions,  so  they  escorted  him 
to  the  House. 

As  soon  as  he  had  been  Presented,  Gus 
showed  her  where  to  sit  on  the  Sofa,  then  he 
placed  himself  about  Six  Inches  away  and 
began  to  Buzz,  looking  her  straight  in  the 
Eye.  He  said  that  when  he  first  saw  her  he 
mistook  her  for  Miss  Prentice,  who  was  said 
to  be  the  Most  Beautiful  Girl  in  St.  Paul, 
only,  when  he  came  closer,  he  saw  that  it 
couldn't  be  Miss  Prentice,  because  Miss  Pren 
tice  didn't  have  such  Lovely  Hair.  Then  he 
asked  her  the  Month  of  her  Birth  and  told 
her  Fortune,  thereby  coming  nearer  to  Hold 
ing  her  Hand  within  Eight  Minutes  than 
Eustace  had  come  in  a  Lifetime. 

"  Play  something,  Boys,"  he  Ordered,  just 
[179] 


The   Willing  Performer. 


THE  TWO  MANDOLIN  PLAYERS 

as  if  he  had  paid  them  Money  to  come  along 
and  make  Music  for  him. 

They  unlimbered  their  Mandolins  and  be 
gan  to  play  a  Sousa  March.  He  asked 
Myrtle  if  she  had  seen  the  New  Moon.  She 
replied  that  she  had  not,  so  they  went  Out 
side. 

When  Fred  and  Eustace  finished  the  First 
Piece,  Gus  appeared  at  the  open  Window, 
and  asked  them  to  play  "The  Good  Old 
Summer  Time,"  which  had  always  been  one 
of  his  Favorites. 

So  they  played  that,  and  when  they  had 
Concluded  there  came  a  Voice  from  the  Outer 
Darkness,  and  it  was  the  Voice  of  Myrtle. 
She  said :  "  I'll  tell  you  what  to  Play ;  play 
the  Intermezzo." 

Fred  and  Eustace  exchanged  Glances. 
They  began  to  Perceive  that  they  had  been 
backed  into  a  Siding.  With  a  few  Potted 
Palms  in  front  of  them,  and  two  Cards  from 
the  Union,  they  would  have  been  just  the 
same  as  a  Hired  Orchestra. 

But  they  played  the  Intermezzo  and  felt 
[181] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

Peevish.  Then  they  went  to  the  Window  and 
looked  out.  Gus  and  Myrtle  were  sitting  in 
the  Hammock,  which  had  quite  a  Pitch  tow 
ards  the  Center.  Gus  had  braced  himself  by 
Holding  to  the  Back  of  the  Hammock.  He 
did  not  have  his  Arm  around  Myrtle,  but  he 
had  it  Extended  in  a  Line  parallel  with  her 
Back.  What  he  had  done  wouldn't  Justify 
a  Girl  in  saying,  "  Sir !  "  but  it  started  a  Real 
Scandal  with  Fred  and  Eustace.  They  saw 
that  the  only  Way  to  Get  Even  with  her  was 
to  go  Home  without  saying  "  Good  Night." 
So  they  slipped  out  of  the  Side  Door,  shiv 
ering  with  Indignation. 

After  that,  for  several  Weeks,  Gus  kept 
Myrtle  so  Busy  that  she  had  no  Time  to 
think  of  considering  other  Candidates.  He 
sent  Books  to  her  Mother,  and  allowed  the 
Old  Gentleman  to  take  Chips  away  from  him 
at  Poker. 

They  were  Married  in  the  Autumn,  and 
Father-in-Law  took  Gus  into  the  Firm,  say 
ing  that  he  had  needed  a  good  Pusher  for  a 
Long  Time. 

[  182] 


THE  TWO  MANDOLIN  PLAYERS 

At  the  Wedding  the  two  Mandolin  Players 
were  permitted  to  act  as  Ushers. 

MORAL:  To  get  a  fair  Trial  of   Speed, 
use  a  Pace-Maker. 


[183] 


The  Fable  of  the  Brash  Drummer  and 

the  Peach  who  Learned  that 

there  were  Others 


A  WELL-FIXED     Mortgage     Shark, 
residing   at   a   Way   Station,   had   a 
Daughter  whose  Experience  was  not 
as  large  as  her  prospective  Bank  Roll.     She 
had  all  the  component  Parts  of  a  Peach,  but 
she  didn't  know  how  to  make  a  Showing,  and 
there  was  nobody  in  Town  qualified  to  give 
her  a  quiet  Hunch. 

She  got  her  Fashion  Hints  from  a  Trade 
Catalogue,  and  took  her  Tips  on  Etiquette 
and  Behavior  from  the  Questions  and 
Answers  Department  of  an  Agricultural 
Monthly. 

The  Girl  and  her  Father  lived  in  a  big 
White  House,  with  Evergreen  Trees  and 
whitewashed  Dornicks  in  front  of  it,  and  a 
Wind-Pump  at  the  rear.  Father  was  a  good 
deal  the  same  kind  of  a  man  as  David  Ha- 
rum,  except  that  he  didn't  let  go  of  any 
[184] 


THE  BRASH  DRUMMER 

Christmas  Presents,  or  work  the  Soft  Pedal 
when  he  had  a  chance  to  apply  a  Crimp  to 
some  Widow  who  had  seen  Better  Days.  In 
fact,  Daughter  was  the  only  one  on  Earth 
who  could  induce  him  to  Loosen  Up. 

Now  it  happened  that  there  came  to  this 
Town  every  Thirty  Days  a  brash  Drummer, 
who  represented  a  Tobacco  House.  He  was 
a  Gabby  Young  Man  and  he  could  Articulate 
at  all  Times,  whether  he  had  anything  to 
Say  or  not. 

One  night,  at  a  Lawn  Fete  given  by  the 
Ladies  of  the  Methodist  Congregation,  he 
met  Daughter.  She  noticed  that  his  Trousers 
did  not  bag  at  the  Knees ;  also  that  he  wore 
a  superb  Ring.  They  strolled  under  the 
Maples,  and  he  talked  what  is  technically 
known  as  Hot  Air.  He  made  an  Impression 
considerably  deeper  than  Himself.  She 
promised  to  Correspond. 

On  the  occasion  of  his  next  Visit  to  the 

Way  Station,  he  let  her  wear  his  Ring,  and 

made  a  Wish,  while  she  took  him  riding  in 

the  Phaeton.     He  began  to  carry  her  Photo- 

[185] 


Gabby  Will. 


THE  BRASH  DRUMMER 

graph  in  his  Watch,  and  show  it  to  the  Boys 
employed  at  the  House.  Sometimes  he  would 
fold  over  one  of  her  Letters  so  they  could 
see  how  it  started  out.  He  said  the  Old  Man 
had  Nothing  But,  and  he  proposed  to  make 
it  a  case  of  Marry.  Truly,  it  seemed  that 
he  was  the  principal  Cake  in  the  Pantry,  and 
little  did  he  suspect  that  he  could  be  Frosted. 

But  Daughter,  after  much  Pleading,  in 
duced  Father  to  send  her  to  a  Finishing 
School  in  the  East.  (A  Finishing  School  is 
a  Place  at  which  Young  Ladies  are  taught 
how  to  give  the  Quick  Finish  to  all  Persons 
who  won't  do.) 

At  School,  the  Daughter  tied  up  with  a 
Chum,  who  seldom  overlooked  a  Wednesday 
Matinee,  and  she  learned  more  in  Three 
Weeks  than  her  Childhood  Home  could  have 
shown  her  in  three  Centuries. 

Now  she  began  to  see  the  other  Kind;  the 
Kind  that  wears  a  Cutaway,  with  a  White 
Flower,  in  the  Morning,  a  Frock,  with  Vio 
lets  in  the  Afternoon,  and  a  jimmy  little 
Tuxedo  at  Night. 

[187] 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

For  the  first  time  she  began  to  listen  to 
Harness  that  had  Chains  to  it,  and  she  rode 
in  Vehicles  that  permitted  her  to  glance  in 
at  the  Second  Stories. 

She  stopped  wearing  Hats,  and  began  to 
choose  Confections.  She  selected  them  Lan 
guidly,  three  at  a  time. 

Then  the  Bill  to  the  Way  Station,  and 
Father  down  with  Heart  Failure. 

She  kept  Mr.  Sothern's  Picture  on  her 
Dresser,  with  two  Red  Candles  burning  in 
front  of  it,  and  every  time  she  thought  of 
Gabby  Will,  the  Cracker  jack  Salesman,  she 
reached  for  the  Peau  d'Espagne  and  sprayed 
herself. 


One  Day  when  the  Tobacco  Salesman 
came  up  Main  Street  with  his  Grips,  on  his 
way  to  visit  the  Trade,  he  met  the  Drug 
Clerk,  who  told  him  that  She  was  Home 
on  a  Visit.  So  he  hurried  through  with 
his  Work,  got  a  Shave,  changed  ends  on 
his  Cuffs,  pared  his  Nails,  bought  a 
[188] 


In  the  East. 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

box  of  Marshmallows,  and  went  out  to  the 
House. 

Daughter  was  on  the  Lawn  seated  under 
a  Canopy  that  had  set  Father  back  thirty- 
two  Dollars.  There  was  a  Hired  Hand 
sprinkling  the  Grass  with  a  Hose,  and  as 
Will,  the  Conversational  Drummer,  came  up 
the  Long  Walk,  Daughter  called  to  the 
Hired  Hand,  and  said :  "  Johnson,  there  is  a 
Strange  Man  coming  up  the  Walk;  change 
the  Direction  of  the  Stream  somewhat,  else 
you  may  Dampen  him." 

The  Drummer  approached  her,  feeling  of 
his  Necktie,  and  wondered  if  She  would 
up  and  Kiss  him,  right  in  broad  daylight. 
She  didn't.  Daughter  allowed  a  rose-col 
ored  Booklet,  by  Guy  de  Maupassant,  to 
sink  among  the  Folds  of  her  French 
Gown,  and  then  she  Looked  at  him  and 
said :  "  All  Goods  must  be  delivered  at  the 
Rear." 

"  Don't  you  Know  me?  "  he  asked. 

"  Rully,  it  seems  to  me  I  have  seen  you, 
Somewhere,"  she  replied,  "  but  I  cahn't  place 
[190] 


THE  BRASH  DRUMMER 

you.  Are  you  the  Man  who  tunes  the 
Piano?  " 

"  Don't  you  remember  the  night  I  met  you 
at  the  Lawn  Fete?"  he  asked;  and  then, 
Chump  that  he  was,  and  all  Rattled,  he  told 
her  his  Name,  instead  of  giving  her  the 
scorching  Come-Back  that  he  composed  Next 
Day,  when  it  was  Too  Late. 

"  I  meet  so  many  People  traveling  about," 
she  said ;  "  I  cahn't  remember  all  of  them, 
you  know.  I  dare  say  you  called  to  see  Pu- 
pah;  he  will  be  here  Presently." 

Then  she  gave  him  "  Some  one's  else," 
"Neyether,"  "  Savoir-Faire,"  and  a  few 
other  Crisp  Ones,  hot  from  the  Finishing 
School,  after  which  she  asked  him  how  the 
Dear  Villagers  were  coming  on.  He  re 
minded  her  that  he  did  not  live  in  the  Town. 
She  said :  "  Only  Fahncy ! "  and  he  said  he 
guessed  he'd  have  to  be  Going,  as  he  had 
promised  a  Man  to  meet  him  at  Jordan's 
Store  before  the  Bank  closed. 

As  he  moved  toward  the  St.  Nicholas 
Hotel  he  kept  his  hand  on  his  Solar  Plexus. 
[1911 


THE  GIRL  PROPOSITION 

At  five  o'clock  he  rode  out  of  Town  on  a 
Local. 

MORAL:   Anybody    can   Win   unless   there 
happens  to  be  a  Second  Entry. 


[192] 


FOURTEEN  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 


This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


'CT22Jb'8-jj  PM 


«-OAN 


L-Di. 


77 


"1AR    6^98317 
AUG222005  ,R>vyT^ 

JUN  2  1  2005 


LD  21-100m-2,'55 
(B139s22)476 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


WITH  BROS.  IN 
oOks.Sratiotie 
AKT  GoODS, 
til  &  \Va*h'ton, 


